Spit's Journal

Torn

2012-02-14T10:04:00.000-08:00

I miss my old life. There I said it, out loud, in writing. My old life was way easier than I realized. I had no one to pick up on the way home from school, no one I had to cook for, clean for, pick up after, read to, put to bed, etc. I had me & D, and we had some fun together. We went to eat, we went on motorcycle rides, we ate a whole pan of biscuits at 10 pm (just the once)...we went to meetings, watched tv, read books, whatever we damn well pleased. Of course, there were problems, lots of them, actually. It's just that now...I've forgotten all those pesky issues and only remember the carefree happiness. Reading my own blog puts the lie to that idea but who wants to face the truth?I miss my old life, I miss D, I miss my friends, I miss my what I thought was a long commute but now seems like a dream, I miss my boring, empty, self-centered life. It's HARD WORK being a parent. HARD ASS WORK. Harder than anything I could ever have imagined. I have my period, I want to veg out and eat chocolate, not chase after a grumpy 3 year old with a cold. I'm grumpy myself!D would take me back in a new york second and we'd be happy together. But, I remember how empty I felt before, how meaningless my life was. And E looks at me and says "I love you" and "let's play a game, you be the mommy"and then A asks me to read him a story and we read Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and he rests his head on my shoulder and begs for just one more chapter. If it were just D or SH, I think I'd go home. I love them both, in different ways, but I do love them both...but D is easy and SH is hard. SH is probably good for me, he's probably making me a better person but it's hard work and it's painful. It's a bit like dating myself in some ways, we are both learning how to be gentler to each other. We've had some horrible fights, and I keep staying for the sake of the kids....I hope I'm doing the right thing.

Harder than I expected

2012-01-27T13:59:00.001-08:00

Change used to be so easy for me. I'd make up my mind that things should be different and then I'd change them. I'd move, switch jobs, switch friends, switch churches, switch husbands all with relative ease and little self doubt. When I left A for D I felt mostly guilt because A was a quadriplegic and I wasn't sure he could make it without me. He did. There are things I absolutely love about living with SH and the kids and then there are things that suck. I'm trying to work through the one's that suck. Tomorrow we're going to get my dogs and my bed.I'm hoping that will help me quit feeling like I'm just camping out over there and that I'll be going "home" someday. I still talk to D every day and I miss him. It's so easy to remember all the fun and good times we shared and forget the misery that led me making the changes that got me here. I wonder if I'll ever learn? I think somehow I should be the exception to every rule and I'm not, not at all.

Life goes on.......

2012-01-10T12:28:00.000-08:00

New year, new lifeMoved in with SH and the kids last week. The first week didn't go well at all. SH got all comfortable and basically ignored my existence as he vegged out in front of the tv, the computer or his cell. Repeatedly. Finally had the come to Jesus talk with him on Sunday. He had NO CLUE I was so miserable, homesick and disgusted. Things have improved a little, we'll see what happens long term. I told him I'd move back home to get more attention from him if I have to. Meanwhile, D & I are still talking daily. I'm going to try to visit him and my pets (*sob*) at least once a week. I don't have the dogs because we have no grass in the backyard at the house we're renting and to put it in would be $750. I don't have the cats because I'm afraid the kids would let them out and they'd get hit by a car and die (the cats, not the kids). I did start going to AA in my new town and yoga, too. That helps. Overall, I'm cautiously happy.

Life keeps kicking me in the uterus

2011-12-22T12:16:00.000-08:00

In an ironic twist of fate, I'm pretty sure I'm currently having a miscarriage. I'm not going to the dr. because a. it's very early and b. I could be completely wrong and would then feel like a total idiot. Hopefully my body will do what it needs to do and I'll survive. I know what to look for and won't hesitate to go if things get worse. My emotions have been an insane nightmare. Today my boss called me on the intercom and I said "WHAT!" instead of "yes, how can I help you". Because of the emotional wreck I am currently, everything is just a mess. Fortunately SH is a calm, patient, caring and understanding man. He has to be to put up with me.

What's Next?

2011-12-15T14:12:00.000-08:00

D and I got divorced Monday. We walked in holding hands and walked out holding hands. Life is so weird. D & I both love and respect each other. I hope that continues. 10 years is a long time to be together to just walk away from each other. Too many shared life experiences to just quit talking to each other. Meanwhile, SH & I have been doing a bit of arguing. I think we're going to be ok, we've just hit a rough spell of adjusting to each other. One thing about SH is that he's willing to listen and to make changes. Just today he made the sweetest comment about something we'd been discussing and it let me know he really gets it. The kids and I are still getting along well, they hate when I'm gone and are always really happy to see me. SH is still not divorced, his ex is INSANE and nailing her down is like nailing jello to a tree. I've been trying to convince him to get an attorney because she is so crazy. She's been doing things like calling his friends and family to see if she & her boyfriend could move in with them! She lost her job (again) and they are being evicted. She asked ST a dozen times to let her come back home. She threatened suicide. She's just not right in the head and she blew the money she owed him for child support on something, maybe drugs/alcohol. All she told him was she'd made a mistake but it wasn't crack. She's truly scary and he's way too trusting of her. I don't think she should even be allowed unsupervised visits with the kids, not that she ever see's them anyway but we're looking at the next 15 years and I say he'd better be sure he's got all the legal stuff down in black and white. Anyway, it's been 6 months for us and things are mostly wonderful. I have times of doubt and times I just want to run away, times I think of my peaceful, responsibility free life with D and wonder if I'm the crazy one. Then I remember how empty that life was and how full my life now is and I think I'm doing the right thing.

Letting Go

2011-11-15T10:08:00.001-08:00

The divorce will be final November 28th. It's hard to comprehend. We traveled so far together and now we begin to travel apart. I am sad and scared. D was like a safety net for me, I always knew what to expect with him (almost always). We shared a lot of good times and had and still have a great deal of love for one another. I wish that could have been enough for me. I'm excited and happy about my new life, new relationships, new beginnings, but that doesn't make me less sad about the end of me & D. I truly hope we can remain friends. I can't imagine a life without him in it.

Kids

2011-10-07T11:14:00.000-07:00

Take one woman who has always wanted but could not have kids, one man who is trying to raise two kids on his own and two wonderful kids whose mom sucks and you have a beautiful thing. I can't even begin to describe how much A & E mean to me. I want to show people their pictures like they are my very own. My mom and brother & sister in law met SH and the kids last weekend. My mom asked "do you love him or the kids?". I don't have to pick. I did fall for him before I met the kids so I know I don't just love him because of them. It's a package deal for my heart. Last night their mother made one of her rare appearances in their lives, showing up at A's baseball practice. Apparently E got out of the car and said "look at my princess book mommy, Spit got it for me because she loves me". L (the mom) proceeded to boohoo to SH about how the kids were going to end up loving me more. He said "you could see them every single day, it's your choice not to" and she actually said "don't lecture me, I was looking for sympathy not a lecture"WTF???The sad thing is she's probably right. They will love me more simply because, if nothing changes, I will be around more, I already am around more and I'm only there on the weekends. I don't want it to be like that, I'd LOVE for her to be a good mom, it's better for them. It breaks my heart when E asks "where's my mommy?"She's only 3 for g-dsake, she needs her mom. My other kids, D's kids, don't seem to want to talk to me. I sent N an email and got no reply. They haven't unfriended me on Facebook but I'm sure that will come when I move out. D and I will manage to stay friends and maybe eventually his kids will forgive me. I hope so.

Bitter and Sweet

2011-09-28T06:58:00.000-07:00

Life is so full of highs and lows at the moment I can barely keep up. Yesterday was probably one of the worst days of my entire life. The only up side, and yes, this is a HUGE upside, isthat I have absolutely certainty now that I don't have HIV. I had to go to the health department for the rapid testing because the idea of waiting a week for the results wasFREAKING me out. See, I didn't realize you should be rechecked for HIV at the 6 month mark. I thought the test I had in April was enough. Then I had a physical and Dr. Yummy mentioned rechecking. At this same physical he reread the test results from Care Now where the Dr. said I had "possible" exposure to herpes and decided I do have herpes, in spite of notone single symptom. I then had to call and tell this to my boyfriend. He was WONDERFUL!!!!!!!! Which I guess is another upside. I also have a sort of bad situation with N's girlfriend that's really bothering me and I think is the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. She asked me back in November to have a karate belt display made for her. I had a guy at work do it and when it was finished he said he'd only charge $250. It's a HUGE piece of furniture and it'shand crafted. Well she told me she thought it'd be free and she couldn't afford it but she'd buy it at the end of August (this was in May or June). Last week he asked if she still wanted it and so I emailed her and she said yes, she would buy it this week. I asked my finishers to put a stain on it and get it ready. Then she emailed yesterday and said to have him sell it to someone else, that she can afford it. WTF?? So I told her what a horrible position that put me in at work and she sent a curt email that they will have a check tomorrow and to just "drop it off at dad's house". I guess it's not my house anymore in their eyes even though I still live there. It all makes me so very sad. I have this amazing relationship going on at the same time my old life and relationships are dying. Sometimes it's just overwhelmingly sad. No wonder people say you have to recover from one before getting involved in another. Too late for that now, but damn it's hard.

False Alarm

2011-09-23T09:47:00.001-07:00

D read the report wrong. It doesn't look like there's been any change at all to the nodes on his lungs.In other news, I filled for divorce yesterday. Sucks, it hurts, it's sad and it makes me cry. It's best for both of us, hell I've been dating someone else for over 3 months, time to let the government know what we already know ourselves.Still sad, though

Here we go again

2011-09-21T14:26:00.000-07:00

D's latest ct scan shows the nodules have grown. He's got an appointment at the pulmonologist tomorrow. I don't know what I'll do if he has cancer.

Quietly Happy, Mostly

2011-09-19T11:11:00.000-07:00

Life is so strange. I never in a million years would have guessed it would turn out the way it has. I'm content and peaceful in a whole new way these days. I spend every weekend with my new little "family" and there's so much joy in the littlest things. It's not without it's trials, but at the end of the day, it's about love and acceptance and communication and bliss. During the week, I still live with D, for now, waiting to finalize things and it's hard on both of us. I still love D, I always will and I know it hurts him to see me come and go. I wish there were a better solution, but financially this is the best we can do. I worry about him, what will happen when I leave, how he'll make it on his own. He recently told me that in treatment he learned just how co-dependent on each other we really are. I knew he was dependent on me but never realized how much of my self was wrapped up in his self until the drug use got so bad that he just wasn't there anymore. I hope and wish for happiness and joy for him. I hope he finds someone that he can have a happy and healthy relationship with. I'm sad that our relationship is over.I sure didn't ever expect it to end up this way.

Damn

2011-08-31T09:35:00.000-07:00

I got an email this morning from D's secretary asking me to call his boss w/out telling D.
Pissed me off. Poor D, one of his employees called him this weekend to tell him that, after he went to rehab, his boss had a meeting and basically asked them to complain about D. What the boss told me is that he got "crucified" for not knowing D was coming to work messed up on pain pills.
It's all a bunch of CYA on the bosses part and probably violating all sorts of laws to boot.

D is going back to work tomorrow afternoon. I hope he can get back into his grove. He loves his job so very much. In spite of the fact that we can't be husband and wife successfully, I still care about him and want him to have as a happy a life as possible.

Filling the hole inside

2011-08-16T11:58:00.000-07:00

D gets out of rehab today but he's not clean and sober. They have him doped up to help him withdraw from the dope. So doped up, in fact, that he's not allowed to drive himself home. I don't get it, at all. But, I'm minding my own business and his sobriety isn't my business anymore. If love and wishing could have kept him sober this would never have happened.
I'm sad that this is what we end up with. 10 years of life, to end with nothing much after all. My relationships with the kids are fractured at best. N & Sh are all into their pyramid marketing shit to the point that's ALL they want to talk about, and since we didn't sign up, we rarely hear from them. T's in W. Virginia, W and her common law just split up and D jr and his wife are busy with their lives so I can no longer fill the emptiness with family. I can't fill it with church, either. I quit going after Kia died and I'm very comfortable with that decision. In fact, I no longer lie awake at night pondering my fate, I just go to sleep.
I go to sleep after long conversations with SH, the new man in my life, that is. It's been about 2 months now and things are going swimmingly. Better than I could have even wished for, actually. I don't think I'm filling the hole with him, either. I think the hole inside may have just filled up on it's own. I have this unexplainable peace and knowledge that whatever will be will be and there's no use fighting for what can't be anymore. I'm not worried, about anything, really.
I don't know, exactly, what my future holds. For now, staying home, and trying to get along with D w/out rubbing his face in my new relationship and trying to offer him support as he tries to get sober w/out minding his business. Paying off the tremendous amount of debt I created trying to fill the hole.
And maybe starting a journey into a new life, one day at a time.

so this is weird

2011-08-08T07:39:00.000-07:00

D went to his boss about his drug problem, boss went to his boss who then went to hr.
The long and short of it was he can't come back to work until he gets treatment. So Friday he went to check himself in, did hours of intake only to be sent home because they had no beds. Told him to go through the ER on Saturday and he had a chance to get in. In the ER they did blood work and discovered his sugar was over 500 and his sodium was really low.
So they admitted him to the regular hospital. Of course, being a drug addict, he took all the dilludid he had left while he was in the er waiting room. By the time I got up there he was stoned out of his gourd. I walked out, I can not STAND, can not fucking Stand, can't fucking stand, just can not fucking stand seeing him high. It's like a knife going through my heart. I told the charge nurse that he'd taken something and I didn't know how much (he refused to tell me). Didn't hear from him at all until Sunday and he was very out of it and still in the regular hospital and they were giving him pain shots. Now his phone goes straight to voice mail so I can only surmise that he's been taken to the treatment center side where they don't let you have a phone during detox.
This whole thing is breaking my heart in new places.

I decided against

2011-08-01T10:40:00.000-07:00

the new blog
I don't really feel like sharing to much anyway.

But I do have a sanity checklist and I think I'm doing pretty well, overall

Sanity Checklist:
regularly attending AA meetings, no desire to drink
eating regularly
yoga & other exercise regularly
spending time with friends
not pretending situation at home doesn't suck but not running away from it either
sleeping well at night
not lying to anyone about anything
not crying non-stop but not never crying either

well...

2011-07-25T13:31:00.000-07:00

the ct scan showed no change at all
but he does now have fluid build up on his abdomen
liver dr. appointment tomorrow, pulmonologist on thursday

and so it goes, on and on and on

Scared to Death

2011-07-22T08:40:00.000-07:00

D had a ct scan of his chest and abdomen yesterday. He refuses to wait for his dr's appointments next week and is on his way to pick up the test results right now and bring them here so I can be with him when we read them.
I think I'm going to throw up now.

oh shit

2011-07-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

two blogs, not a good idea!

saved myself from disaster by realizing I'd posted on this blog a post meant for the new blog

YIKES!!

New blog

2011-07-13T07:09:00.000-07:00

I started a new blog, for privacy reasons. Put something in comments if you want the new blog address.

FML part 10,000

2011-07-12T14:09:00.000-07:00

someday it will get better right?

The pastor of the church I was going to just called. Apparently someone, probably my sister in law has been gossiping about me.
I had decided, the Sunday before Kia died, to ask Jesus into my heart, hoping somehow it would bring me comfort & faith. It, of course, didn't change a fucking thing. He started in on this whole "things happen for a reason" and I just wanted to scream "NO THEY FUCKING DO NOT" they happen randomly and all we can do is hold on for dear life.
He said I don't want you to go backwards and I said "I think it's to late for that, I'm at work now I've got to go"
He's really nice but he's got no more answers for me than the man in the moon!

Just for me

2011-07-06T06:34:00.000-07:00

I've decided to become a certified yoga instructor.
Yoga has changed everything for me. Got rid of GERD and shoulder pain, helped me lose weight, helped me through really rough patches in my life and made me love my own body. I want to share that with other people.
I talked to one of my teachers last night and found out I can become certified after one two day intensive. It's not even as expensive as I thought it would be. There's a class here in September if I can save up the money I'm going to do it.

In other news...I don't want to talk about it

Kia Orana

2011-07-02T11:32:00.000-07:00

My friend Kia died Tuesday night. She fought so long and so hard and the fucking cancer won.
My heart is shattered and torn. I'm not dealing with it well at all.
Last Sunday I attempted to ask Jesus into my life.The minister came over to the house and everything. I must have done it wrong. I believe less in him and the comfort he supposedly offers than I did before.
Kia was an atheist. According to Christians she's now rotting in hell.
She was an amazing, giving, loving, self-sacrificing, kind beautiful person.
Fuck anyone who says she's in hell. Self righteous bastards

Obviously, um, the whole church thing, not working out so well for me.
D continues to go even though he doesn't believe Kia is in hell, either. The disconnect between his beliefs and the beliefs of the church doesn't seem to bother him like it does me.
Things really aren't going well with D...I'm like a hamster on a wheel, always, sadly ending up in the same empty and dissatisfied place. I don't have any answers at all.

My Blog Isn't Funny

2011-06-22T09:52:00.000-07:00

Saw a link to this blog The Bloggess on my soap forum, then on Facebook. It's hysterical.
My blog, on the other hand, is sad. Sad and rather neglected.
It's downtrodden. It's worn around the edges. It's not fun at all.
The good news is..........

um....

well, shit, I don't think there is any good news at the moment.

I did see a funny billboard on the way to work this morning. It's for a pizza place and it says "Pie Curious?"

Does this mean my blog is funny now?

No?

*sigh*

Medical Stuff

2011-06-16T12:41:00.000-07:00

very nice young dr.
basically he wants to do another ct scan in 6 weeks to see if there’s any change
because of the location and size of the nodules they will be hard to do a needle biopsy they can do another, more aggressive biopsy if there is any growth but there is risk involved

in the meantime he’s going to get with (transplant doctor) and see what scans
and tests have been done lately. He wants to rule out the possibility that these lumps “came from somewhere else” (a euphemism for metastasized). He also ordered a scan of D’s legs because the right leg is still noticeably swollen, they will be checking for blood clots. Overall he was very informative and I think his course of action makes the most sense.

even though all the pulmonary function tests came back fine, they did a six minute walking test and his oxygen levels dropped. They were low to begin with (94%) and got lower with exertion, which explains why he feels short of breath! He gave D a prescription for combivent to see if it helps (if his liver dr. will let him try it) One possible explanation for this is something that happens in cirrhosis patients that causes a mixing of the clean blood & the dirty blood between veins and arteries but since they did an echocardiogram in the ER they would have caught that was the reason.

so, lots of questions, waiting and more tests

Dear God

2011-06-13T10:18:00.001-07:00

It's me, Spit...It'd be great if my husband didn't have cancer. Please

kthnksbai

pinball wizard

2011-06-07T20:52:00.000-07:00

back to the ER tonight
shortness of breath & chest pain & his right leg is swelling
they dismissed the leg as nothing significant, his heart checked out ok but
they found 3 nodules on his left lung that weren't there in October of 09. The largest is 8 mm. They are in the pleural area, which google says is bad, 80% chance they are cancerous.
I am in a pinball machine, being buffeted against all the different parts and pieces, I kept getting knocked around and around.
There is not a respite.
I think we've had more than our share of pain, apparently I am wrong.

this is gonna hurt

2011-06-07T11:06:00.001-07:00

D's daughter T and her 3 son's (my grandsons) are moving to W. Virginia on Sunday. T's husband has been working there for a year while T tried to sell their two houses here. When that didn't happen, thanks to our lovely economy, they leased both houses. Her husband is working on the shale up there for an oil & gas company and making enough money now that T will be able to stay home with the boys.
The problem is, these boys are my heart. I watched the youngest one being born two years ago (AMAZING experience for this childless woman). They've been over to the house, swimming, for weeks now and I can't bear the thought of them being gone. It hurts even more when I think of how I wasted the first months of the year, when I could have been spending time with them, I was off being insane and trying to destroy my life.
The family had a goodbye party for T on Sunday and I saw W's (D's oldest) kids for the first time since CHRISTMAS!! The girls have grown a foot! Life goes by so fast.

All these experiences have made me realize something important. I've been really, really immature. Very selfish and very stupid. Yes, there are huge issues with D's health (the latest being his right leg keeps swelling and he's having trouble breathing) and yes, he's addicted to pain medication, yes he refuses to do what he could to take care of himself, and yes, there is no passion. All of these could be reasons to leave, I thought they were.
But on the flip side, I have a rich and fulfilling family life. I have a husband that I know truly and completely loves me. I love my job, my house and my life, overall. Time to quit wishing for a dream, I already have so much more than most people. Today I'm content. Except for the part about half of my heart moving to W. Virginia. Since part of my heart already lives in NC and another part in PA (sisters & nephew) I guess I'm going to switch from tropical vacations to touring the US.
Love and family are just more important to me these days.

Rock meet hard place

2011-06-01T08:16:00.000-07:00

It's not really better than it was before. Except now I know leaving isn't an option. I love D, I truly do. I hate drugs, even one's the dr. prescribes. Maybe even especially one's a dr. prescribes. I hate addiction. I hate slurred speech, lack of comprehension, sleeping all the time, never wanting to do anything.
I knew, when I went home, that this was what I was going home to, well, except he was actually trying a little more back then. I'm lonely and afraid, again.
I won't leave and I won't cheat but I will cry and hope something changes.

I'm happy to report

2011-05-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

that it is possible to fall back in love.
Maybe I never fell out of love?
Whatever the case, my heart seems to have come full circle. There are, of course, still HUGE issues, but when you are going through them with your best friend, it seems easier.
I joined a forum for people recovering from dating a narcissist and the women there are amazingly supportive. And, so many of the stories are the same. That helped me realize that I'm not bi-polar like my therapist suggested. We can't ALL be bi-polar and so many of us have gone through the exact same things. These guys are well oiled machines who know exactly how to get the narcissistic supply they crave. It all started to make a whole lot more sense once I started learning about them. Part of what makes the victims feel "crazy" is trying to reconcile the words vs. the actions of the narcissist. Anyway, I won't bore you with more but it's helping me so much and the free space in my mind that is no longer filled with trying to figure it all out is spent being grateful as hell that I've got my life back.

Not Quite Time to Get Up

2011-05-02T06:44:00.000-07:00

D always comes to my room at 6:30 am to wake me up for work. Last night he came to my room and I just knew it was not time to get up. I said "It can't be!" and...I was right.
He had woken up and glanced at the clock, somehow thought he was late for work, rushed around, bathed, had his coffee, etc and came in to wake me.
It was 12:30, not 6:30!

Communication Breakdown

2011-04-28T06:43:00.000-07:00

So, last night I was lying in bed, next to D, surfing the net. I got on Facebook and saw a post from D saying that when he went to the Dr. the day before, she told him he couldn't have a stimulator or pain pump implanted due to the risk of infection. Those were the only two options given by the pain management specialist to treat the chronic pain from pancreatitis. The other option is what he's doing now, long term narcotics, which kills the liver and messes him all up.
When he told me about his Dr. visit, he failed to mention this very important bit of news. I said "what the hell? I have to find out out on Facebook?" He said "what? I didn't post that" I said, "umm...yes you did" and he explained that he typed it up while he was at the dr. but didn't hit send, until about an hour before I saw it.
It just slipped his mind to mention that the Dr. has basically said there is zero hope of anything ever changing?
Probably because, to him, the long term narcotic use isn't a problem. Even the constant hospital stays don't seem to phase him.
FML

Moving Right Along

2011-04-27T09:03:00.000-07:00

It's very odd, my life.
On the one hand, everything is nearly exactly the same as before I moved out for two weeks. On the other hand, everything is different.
For one thing, there's the apartment I leased. $850 a month until someone else leases it. It's the only 1 bedroom on the first floor they have empty. Hoping like hell it leases soon!
There's also church. As in, we are going to church. A Baptist church at that. I don't hate it, the people are friendly, I just don't believe in the things they believe. I told the pastor this on my first day there. He prayed with me and was very kind. I told him I don't believe in Jesus but even if I did, I don't believe he's the only way to G-d. That is a concept my brain refuses to accept. So, I sit in church and wait for my heart or soul or whatever to be stirred so I can believe in Jesus and quit the endless struggle to believe in something. It hasn't happened yet. I've asked D if we could go to a UCC church instead. He said we could but he really likes this baptist church and it's by the house where as the UCC church is way across town, by my apartment, ironically.
Speaking of D...*sigh*
He hasn't changed. His fasting blood sugar was 272 at the Dr. yesterday and he came home from work with not one, but two gallons of Blue Bell, because "it was on sale".
He's still on narcotic pain meds and taking a ton of other stuff ("to help him sleep"). His liver Dr. said she was proud of him for getting off the pain patches, but to me, since he's now on a stronger medication in pill form, I don't see how that's progress? It's very hard for me not to bitch at him. I know it doesn't help and it makes me feel like shit. I need to learn new ways of dealing with this stuff.
I hope like hell that love will be enough this time. I don't want to leave him again, it's too painful and stupid. I just have to learn acceptance. My life is what it is, it's not a fairy tale where something magical will come along and fix everything sad. It's a daily struggle, but it's not without it's small joys.

Posts Deleted

2011-04-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

I've moved back home with D and he & I decided I should delete all the posts since I told him I wanted a divorce.
He has proven himself to be a true and loyal and lovingly kind husband.

I have fallen way, way, way short and have been 100% insane and delusional.
If it walks like a duck.....it's not a frog or a prince but a sociopathic liar. Let's just say that all my doubts were well founded and then some!

So, it's a new chapter...one that will continue to include my loving husband.

Thank God

I wish my mom had a blog

2010-12-10T06:35:00.000-08:00

when I was in first grade. Anti-Bullying Starts in First Grade

I'm crying at my desk at work. Never a good way to start the day.
Old hurts sometimes never go away. This is one of them. What I hate the most is that Dr's know that eye patches don't work for most cases of lazy eye, especially not after the age of 4 and yet here it is, over 30 years later, and they are still torturing kids.
I have to admit, I'm jealous of Katie. She has a mom that's doing something about the bullying. I'm not sure my mom even noticed how miserable I was. At least Katie probably won't start drinking in 7th grade, like I did.
I HATE feeling sorry for myself. It's useless to have regrets about the past. And yet, the pain is there, all the time, just under the surface. Even working AA's 12 steps hasn't taken it away. No kid should have to grow up feeling like I did. I'm really glad that bullying has gotten so much media attention and I really do hope it helps. It's just too late for so many generations of kids. Why didn't parents and teachers wake up and put a stop to this kind of thing when public schools first came into our society? Why didn't anyone help me or the thousands of other kids whose lives were pure hell in school?
Ok, well, enough with the useless retrospective....life is good today and I rock my glasses now, thankfully without a patch!

It's not you, it's me

2010-11-23T06:25:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry, dear blogger. You've been replaced by Facebook. It's not you, it's me. I'm impatient and bored with talking to myself. Facebook lets me talk to other people, you understand, right?

In other news, D just got out of the hospital for the 10 millionth time. No one knows exactly what's wrong with him. He's on a 24 hour morphine patch now and STILL got sick enough to have to spend a week in the hospital, 2 weeks after the last time he spent a week in the hospital. He's going to an acupuncturist and we're also investigating the possibility that a mesh patch that was put in during one of his hernia operations might be of the "recalled because it's faulty and causes problems like the ones he's having" variety.

Mostly I'm just tired of living like this and hoping for a solution.

Marrying Down

2010-10-01T10:29:00.000-07:00

Studying my families genealogy, just through my dad's mother at the moment.
One of my ancestors descends from an illegitimate son of Henry I, he was an Earl.
Obviously my ancestors after him all married down instead of up

Another one of my ancestors was the mother of Owen Tudor, father of Henry VII
by her second husband, I'm descended from the first husband, so by half blood I'm related to Henry VIII

another ancestor's descendant through his second wife married the daughter of Catherine Carey (Anne Boleyn's older sister) with Henry VIII as the probable father
of course I'm descended from the first wife

a day late & a dollar short

Bitten By Books

2010-09-10T11:23:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine is participating in Blog Fest 2010 and giving away a Kindle!
Bitten By Books

well, shit

2010-09-04T19:50:00.000-07:00

fuck
I thought, yesterday, that really things couldn't be much worse.
This old guy at work who cleans our offices and who tried to kiss me once before, tried it again yesterday. I told my boss, who then decided to fire him. Rightly so since he'd done it to another girl a couple years ago and we also found out that he'd lost another job for the same reason. It wasn't going to stop.
But, he's old and aside from the unwanted passes, he's nice. I felt horrible and blamed myself for him losing his job. I know, I know, it's NOT my fault and I should be able to be at work and not be afraid I'm going to be pawed at by someone. But, still I felt horrible. Then I started freaking myself out, thinking he'll probably come up there and shoot me now.
Then this morning D got a call. Remember his sponsor who left his wife? Well, the wife had a son, D sponsored him once when he got out of prison and wanted to be sober. He changed his mind about that and got really heavy into drugs and it got him killed. They found him hanging under a bridge last night. He'd been there for 3 days. At first they said suicide, then they said it looked like there was foul play involved. 30 years old and dead.
Then my friend K called. She has leukemia. She was in remission very, very briefly and then relapsed. The latest round of chemo didn't work. I'm so sad and helpless. She's in Seattle, I can't bake a casserole or clean her house. I can't hold her while she cries. I can't do anything at all.
At least D's not in the hospital at the moment, there is that.

Rough going

2010-08-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

It's been a tough couple of weeks here. First we had to put Tex, our big black lab, down due to lymphoma. It came on FAST and he went down hill quickly. Of course, me being me, I had a new dog within days. Logan is a great dog but I haven't been able to spend much time with him because D is in the hospital again.
Every time I think we're done with hospitals and start getting complacent, it happens again. Of course, if D would actually take his medicine as prescribed and eat right and exercise it wouldn't keep happening but this is D we're talking about. He's as stubborn as the day is long.
And, my dear friend, K, has had a relapse of leukemia after only a very short remission. It's hard not to cry all the time for her. I'm trying to be cheerful. Logan is sending her lots of emails about his progress in his new home.
And to make things worse, due to all the upheaval in my life, I haven't been working out regularly. I am going to yoga today, though. I really need to be physically active to keep my sanity (or what's left of it).
I'm hoping D will come home today and the eternal optimist in me is hoping he might actually learn from this experience.
Ok, you can quit laughing now.

a little spam

2010-08-13T10:16:00.000-07:00

I use this site, I get money

http://www.ebates.com/rf.do?referrerid=kEPzAbUvwBpymh2H4fv6Ag%3D%3D

I use it when I buy stuff online. It's simple you just go there first and use their link to get where you were going to go anyway. I've gotten almost $200 sent to my paypal in the last 3 years. They don't spam you or anything, just send money. It's too good to be true but it's real.

$133.10

2010-08-09T17:18:00.000-07:00

that's the cost of ending the life of a big black dog
more than a cat
but the pain is the same
whatever the price

RIP Texas
you were a good dog

Makes me feel good about me

2010-07-12T19:33:00.000-07:00

A couple years ago, one of D's oldest daughter's in laws was in a car wreck. Her long term boyfriend died in the wreck. She went with us to see Eclipse last weekend (yes, I'm a Twilight fan/addict). Anyway, she friended me on Facebook and I liked her status today, saying she'd been on a date and really liked the guy.
She sent me this note:
heyy i just wanna let you know your really nice and fun to be around and thanks for liking my stauts :) its a big thing for me to like this guy

I don't have cancer and D didn't get fired

2010-05-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

now that was a good week!

Don't read if you're easily grossed out

2010-05-14T08:17:00.000-07:00

I had a mole on my back removed to be biopsied on Wednesday and David is my nurse. The first morning, he was supposed to remove the bandage and then wash it and re-bandage it. He did that but he said there was a white "covering" he was leaving in.
When the Dr's office opened, I called them and they said there shouldn't be a covering, all bandaging should be removed. I spent the day in dread fear of David having to pick a wet bandage out of my wound with tweezers.
So, last night, I laid down and he starts trying to remove this "covering" or "film". The whole time, I am thinking he means something the Dr. put on the wound. Only, when he starts in with the tweezers, it feels like he's pulling my skin off. I made him stop, got up and held a hand mirror up so I could see.
It's a fucking scab! It's white because of the white blood cells that formed it.
He says "I was trying to tell you that"
I ask you, do the words "film" and "covering" convey the meaning "scab" to you?
We had a severe lack of communication that almost caused me some severe pain!

Stuck in the middle

2010-05-11T10:20:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day was not a good day. I didn't realize I took that over commercialized holiday seriously until N & Sh called and said they were going bowling with Sh's mom and then over to T's house for a surprise party the kids were throwing for their mom. (T is N's older sister, mother to 3 of my grandkids).
No time for me, not even to stop by and drop off a card. I actually cried.
But, wait...there's more
So, as it turned out...N & Sh were sent to pick up their mom and take her to T's house. All the kids & grandkids were there, gathered to surprise her. She REFUSED to go to T's house. She is still angry with T's husband over a bunch of shit that happened when they were all in business together. So, she throws a wall-eyed fit and ends up blaming N for "putting her in that position". The girls all cry and wail and fight with their mother and eventually continue the party in spite of her absence for the sake of the kids.
No one fucking called me and said "hey, why don't YOU come over"...they were all "too emotional" even though, according to T, they took tons of pictures, ate and even played football with the burnt french bread they accidentally left in the oven.
I let N & Sh know the next day that my feelings were pretty hurt and they said they'd come over last night, they called at 8:30 while I was at the gym. I said I'd be home at 9. They said call when I got home, I did, they don't answer. At 9:50 they call wanting to come by..um....no.
And, T called me yesterday, supposedly to say she was sorry we didn't get to talk on Mother's Day but she actually ended up talking about how she'd patched things up with her mom and then started ranting about how N was "mean" to their mother about not going to the party, telling her to get over it and suck it up and go. I told T that pretty much was the truth! Then she starts talking about how N tells her one thing and everyone else something different. It all stems from a few months ago when N was trying to decide if she really wanted to be gay or not. N's version to us and apparently to her mom, was that T and her husband were making N feel like she was going to hell for being gay. T's version is that N approached them and said God was convicting her for her lifestyle.
Whatever
I refuse to get caught in the middle of this shit. I just said "well, T, if N isn't telling everyone the same story, eventually she will realize that people do talk to each other and compare notes" and I left it at that. I had a feeling T wanted me to say that I thought N's lifestyle was wrong. I don't. I want her to be happy, period.

Oh, and the reason N & Sh didn't call until late? They were at her mom's "patching things up"
That bitch ruins the whole day for the entire family and I'm the one who gets the short end of the stick, again.

I had a dream

2010-05-03T10:28:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a LOT lately. Mostly books about Tudor England, my newest fascination. The one I'm reading at the moment addresses the idea that Queen Elizabeth I & Robert Dudley had a son together. I am guess that reading this book led to the most vivid dream I've ever had.
I had a baby, a little girl. Her name was Suzie and I can still remember the tenderness and love that welled up in me as I held her and I even breast fed her in the dream and can sort of remember that feeling, too.
It made me really sad to wake up.

p.s. D didn't have to have surgery after all. We've got him on a soft food diet for the most part and he's getting by, day by day.

It wasn't just worry

2010-04-12T14:26:00.001-07:00

he had a CT scan on Saturday
and he has a bowel obstruction caused by scar tissue that is wrapped all around his intestines
which means surgery
which is complicated and scares the shit out of me

I don't think I can do this again...I don't have the strength...he mentioned the surgeon's name who did the last surgery and I really felt as though I might puke.

worrying himself sick

2010-04-07T07:54:00.000-07:00

The city manager where D works wants to cut jobs to save money. He's having every department write up a justification for each and every employee. At first, D thought his dept. would be exempt because the money comes from a different place (water & sewer revenues instead of the regular budget) but alas, they are not exempt.
D has spent the last 3 days worrying himself sick. Literally...he spent last night throwing up.
It's easy to say "don't worry about it, whatever will be, will be" but hard to put into practice when it's your job on the line. I'd like to think that with the number of years he's been there and his licenses and generally likability, that his job is secure.
Of course, he's had a lot of medical bills and missed time. That's not supposed to be a part of the equation (because of the FMLA stuff) but we all know how things go.
But, worrying himself sick doesn't help. All we can do is wait and see. It's just like everything else in life, we only have the illusion of control. Things change in the blink of an eye and all we can do is roll with the punches.

made it home alive

2010-04-05T16:43:00.000-07:00

just back from our cruise and David didn't get sick!
pretty exhausted since the cruise was delayed getting back due to fog and then we couldn't get off the ship because of customs & immigration taking hours & hours to process everyone...we drove home and got here at 4 am then got up for work at 10 am (David even earlier)
and broke...had forgotten how much all the extra stuff costs, like tips, every time I turned around we were giving out yet another tip, valet parkers, baggage handlers, bus drivers, tips on the ship to the crew, plus another tip in the specialty restaurant, then more bus drivers, porters, etc
we did, however, refrain from spending much time in the casino so we "saved" a lot that way....my mom spent a great deal of time in there but she was wining and we, alas were not
glad to be home, pretty burnt out on travel at the moment but I'm sure that will change

Cautiously Optomistic

2010-03-02T06:09:00.000-08:00

After D's last hospital stay, he started taking a new enzyme for his pancreas. So far it seems to be really working (because G-d knows he hasn't changed his diet much). His liver dr. said his liver numbers are stable enough that she moved him from check ups & blood work every 3 months to every 6 months.
I am so encouraged by this that I've booked a cruise for the end of the month. Of course, knowing how that can so easily change, I've also purchased not one, but two trip insurance policies. I have nightmares of D in the hospital in Jamaica and us not having the funds to go home (they make you pay the bill before you leave. If that happened, I'm pretty sure I'd have to go out to the nearest street corner for some ganja, man.

same shit, new year

2010-01-29T20:53:00.000-08:00

D's in the hospital
what? you're not surprised?
me neither
pancreatitis, again
dr's are making noises about doing something
maybe burning the pain receptors
tonight the dr said that it's questionable whether he'll ever actually need a liver transplant because his liver is stable (yay?) so a pancreas transplant isn't really feasible (they don't operate just for that, it would have to be in conjunction with a liver)
and tonight's Dr FINALLY paid attention to the whole he only gets a rash on his face when he has a flare and he ALWAYS gets a rash on his face when he has a flare up thing. He mentioned "autoimmune pancreatitis" which they treat with steroids and they can do a blood test for. But, even with steroids, 60% of people relapse and I'm sure he'll fall in that 60% because life is like that
in other news...D jr, he of the recently announced pregnancy, was caught flirting & sending sexual text messages to a friend of his wife! Fucking asshole idiot douche bag. She has given him back the ring and her father has threatened to kick his ass and they sent him packing (they moved in with her parents last week)
of course D has pulled into all of it because "D jr has never forgiven dad for leaving"
and here he is doing it himself

Death & birth

2010-01-02T07:40:00.000-08:00

our friend Bob died yesterday
he had brain cancer and suffered for years
on of my other "friends" just posted on the widow's facebook page that god has an awesome year in store for her
wtf is wrong with people? I swear if someone said that to me after my husband died I would spit on them
anyway, Bob was a good poker pal and we will miss him

and..........D jr and his wife are expecting
I knew they'd get pregnant within a year of getting married. Another friend asked me did I think they were ready to be parents and the answer is "I guess they must be"
Hopefully they will grow into their new role

Rounding out the year nicely

2009-12-28T13:48:00.000-08:00

Week long hospital stay #4
started two days before Christmas, pancreatitis again
6 hours in the ER because, in spite of calling ahead and being told "go to the er, they will call us when you get there" the fucking er dr. waited until 3 am to call, after doing useless tests that showed nothing
Broke down in the grocery store parking lot, during a blizzard because I thought my car had been stolen. Tried some daredevil driving on ice Christmas Eve...scariest ride of my life but I didn't want to spend the night at the hospital...damn it. Spent Christmas morning doing laundry since I was iced in. Finally the temp warmed up just enough for me to get to our AA group for lunch then go see D.
He gets out tomorrow, but of course we are expecting more "winter weather" so this should make for a fun and exciting experience.

FUCK MY LIFE

Bad Year

2009-12-01T07:12:00.000-08:00

So, this hasn't been the greatest year...David's health, my work and now....my best online friend, the one I went to Seattle to visit last summer, has leukemia. She thought he had a sinus infection that wouldn't go away and instead she finds out she has AML, a type of leukemia that can kill in weeks/months if left untreated. She was sick for about 6 weeks before this ER visit.
At the close of 2008, I was so sure 2009 would be a better year. I know, one day at a time, right? The whole year hasn't sucked, I did get to go on a cruise, build a pool and see my sisters/nephew.
I just hope that next year brings more happy than sad.

ugh

2009-11-27T12:48:00.000-08:00

You know how I'm always nagging D about his diet? I should have listened to myself.
I didn't eat that much yesterday, not nearly the usually Tday pigging out but whatever I ate has my system in an uproar. Been sick since 6 am...we're supposed to be in Arkansas, our hotel room is sitting there, empty 'cause I can't leave the house.
YUCK

on a comic side note, in all the hustle & bustle I managed to throw my paycheck away
we found it, wet & stinking in the trash, dried it out on the patio for awhile but
I feel pretty sorry for the bank workers

$19.95 trip in time

2009-11-06T20:44:00.000-08:00

I bought myself a new makeup mirror online and it arrived tonight.It's exactly like one I had when I was growing up. I took it out of the box, plugged it in and
suddenly I was 13 and sitting at my pink and white dressing table that my stepdad made me, in my pink & white room, looking in my Conair 3 way mirror getting ready for my first date. Curling my hair, putting on make up, practicing seductive looks to use on the 17 yr old I was going out with (as if 17 yr old boys needed seductive looks, little did I know back then).
I spent hours in front of that mirror. It had different lighting settings, too. Naturally I kept mine on "evening" most of the time. I wish I could travel through time somehow and talk to that girl, warn her of all the stupid mistakes that were to come.
I come back to the future with a bang and look at the face I have now. This mirror has the face of a middle aged woman in it and much, much better lighting and magnification than the one I just threw out...where did those mustache hairs come from? Where did that sad, bone tired look come from?
At least I can afford a lot more makeup these days, to cover up the years and the mistakes.

giving up

2009-10-25T18:16:00.000-07:00

my friend R's daughter called to tell me she's been drinking
which I really already knew since she hasn't called after a big discussion we had where I told her the truth and she got pissed
ok, her other daughter JUST called
she's drunk and threatening suicide & murder
I told her to call the cops on her mom

she's going to drink herself to death and destroy her whole family in the process

12345678910

2009-10-09T08:54:00.000-07:00

I'm 14 and standing in a record store at the mall. I've come in search of an album I heard on the college radio station in Durham that plays "new wave" music. The band is called "Human Sexual Response" and I'm still young enough to giggle and blush when I look for it.
I found the album in the import section, even though the band is from Boston, and fell in love with it. I played it for years and years. Stupidly, in my late 20's, I stored my vinyls in a garage and most of them got warped, including this one. I've been looking for it, off and on, for years.
Today, I started my search again and found the whole album in a free zip file download. Hopefully it's not illegal. I'm listening now, at work and enjoying it more now than I did then. It has aged well (or maybe I'm old enough now to understand it better).

Hospital, Again

2009-10-02T07:56:00.000-07:00

Reality slaps me in the face: From the FMLA paperwork his liver Dr. just faxed me: The flares are sporadic and may consist of a myriad of complications that can occur in a patient with cirrhosis. Probable duration of condition: Until liver transplant

I keep pretending it will all just go away. It's not going to, is it?

Running Away

2009-09-21T07:43:00.000-07:00

Some days I just want to run away. Get in the car or on a plane and just go...somewhere else, anywhere else.
Then I remember, wherever you go, you take yourself with you. I can't become a different person just by changing my surroundings. So, what's the other option? Change who I am within my current circumstances.
I'm tired of being sad, filled with worry, never being able to completely relax. Always waiting for the next bad thing. One of my "friends" told me yesterday that I focus on the negative to much. Maybe she is right, maybe I do. I just know that whatever your focus, negative or positive, shit happens. You can't stop it from happening just because you are little mary sunshine.
I want my life back, the happy, passion filled, exciting life I used to have with my husband. He's sick, it's not his fault. I know that. I don't blame him. I'm just....lonely and afraid.

Banging my head against a brick wall, repeatedly

2009-09-10T19:18:00.001-07:00

a couple weeks ago, my old friend Ri got arrested
she asked me to sponsor her, spent a weekend at our house, called me a million times a day, leaned on me HEAVILY, to the point were it was really disrupting my life
I helped her as much as I could, thought she might finally, after over 6 years of trying, get sober
I talked to her about 4 times yesterday, the last time was at 10 pm
she was fine, she'd been to a meeting, had a productive talk with her daughter's aunt about custody (her daughter's dad had custody but died suddenly a couple months ago)

so, I get a message on facebook this morning from her older daughter, Ri's gone missing
her daughter woke up this morning and found her cell phone & work bag but no mom
I thought she was dead
turns out she just got arrested, again
I'm not sure what for, but I'm sure it's alcohol related
I haven't heard from her
I don't know what to do. Obviously I can't sponsor her anymore, I'm not helping
I should have said no this time (last time she called me drunk to tell me she hated me in the middle of the night)
I can't believe this but I think I need Alanon over this shit
AA just doesn't work if you won't be honest, open minded & willing
she's none of the above I guess
it breaks my heart, because I really like her as a person, as a friend
and I can't save her

now for a political statement

2009-09-07T13:34:00.001-07:00

coming out of self-imposed blogger retirement to post a link
Only a Republican

I wish I had the courage to send it to my mom and all my Republican friends but I'll just pass it on here instead because I don't really like to argue about politics.

Like a ton of bricks

2009-08-12T06:10:00.000-07:00

I have a friend online who has a brother with cirrhosis. He lives with her and she takes care of him. He's been on the transplant list for two years. His disease is more advanced than D's but they live in an area of the country where there are fewer organs available (Dfw has the most donors of any part of the country, no one knows exactly why, so I guess we are lucky in that respect).
Anyway, she's on Facebook and just posted that they spent the night in the ER, again.
For some reason, well, for many reasons, reading that made my stomach turn and my eyes well up with tears.

It's easy to fool myself into believing that nothing will change, that D will remain the way he is now, sick but not too sick, forever. I pretend that this horrible future isn't looming in front of us because....what the fuck else can I do? If I really let the reality of what we are facing in my mind, I'm paralyzed by it. I can not imagine how I will get through it. I think back to last year and I'm certain that I can not go through anything like that again. But, I have learned how resilient human beings are and I have learned that we can get through anything, one minute at a time. So, I just don't let myself look at the big picture, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. We are in the process of getting a pool, probably a stupid move, financially, but I am tired of my life being on perpetual hold. I want to live it while I have the chance, while D has the chance.

As for the future, filled with vague fears and certain sickness....I'll worry about that tomorrow

By Request

2009-08-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

From: D
Sent: Tuesday, August 04, 2009 2:35 PM
To: 'spit'
Subject: blog

I thought you were blogging you’re old blog again?

From: spit
Sent: Tuesday, August 04, 2009 2:37 PM
To: D
Subject: RE: blog

Haven’t had anything worth saying, though

From: D
Sent: Tuesday, August 04, 2009 2:40 PM
To: 'spit'
Subject: blog

How about how much you love me for going to the gym with you tonight keeeumon
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm holding you to it, too!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now this IS funny

2009-07-28T18:41:00.000-07:00

J, D's ex wife, called N all pissed because "my entire family is friend's with (spit) on Facebook"

hahahah, jealous much?

N told her "Mom, (spit) is nice and easy to get a long with and she really listens to people, that's why they like her"

I'm guessing J didn't like that answer

Who I am now

2009-07-28T18:34:00.000-07:00

the other blog didn't work out
way too depressing

I miss blogging, mostly because it provides me with a good point of historical reference. I'm always "checking my blog" to find out when things happened in my life.
So, I'm back, I guess

right now, I'm treading water
work is much more stress filled for me than ever before
all those raises I've gotten? yeah, well, I'm totally earning them now
lots of work trying to get work
the company I work for is eeking out an existence, hoping for a break in the economy
we lose more work than we get
it's pretty damn stressful

D is...well he's not the same guy he used to be
his memory is just about shot, short and long term, his physical strength is gone
he still refuses to acknowledge the seriousness of all that is wrong with him and take steps to control the things he can

I go to the gym a lot, it helps me deal with stress. So far I haven't lost a fucking pound, in spite of intense effort. Someday I hope that will change, probably after I give up sweets or something.

I feel old and tired. I look old and tired.

yeah, um...this is pretty depressing, isn't it?

On a lighter note, I'm currently obsessed with Twilight. I read all the books in a week and wish there were more. I need to find something else to read. I need to be "swept away" by a good book. It's the other way I'm keeping sane at the moment.

That's all for now, bbl

new blog

2009-06-09T18:41:00.000-07:00

I started a new blog. This one is over, I think. It seems to have served it's purpose. Being an infertile stepmom isn't really much of my reality today, even though I am still both. The new blog is about life while waiting for a transplant. It might not be as funny as this one, it will probably be as whiny, though.
If you want the new blog address, just ask in the comments or send me an email, most of my readers know how to get in touch with me by now.
Thanks everyone who has stuck with me through the years.

Funnies

2009-06-01T08:40:00.000-07:00

I know, everyone in the world thinks their kid/grandkid is the funniest thing on earth. Here's my contributions to the contest:

Josh is 5, Gavin is 8

Josh: I caught a big fish once, I don't know what kind it was, I think it was a tarantula fish or something

"Mimi, why do you want to go to a meeting when you are having so much fun with your grandchildren"...Josh

Josh: Gavin, your wii trainer is funny looking
Me: well, yours was a girl
Gavin: yeah, burn.......
Josh: so....she was kind of hot

D said he could beat them at wii golf because he had skills.
Gavin: "no way"
Josh: "yeah, Gavin, I'm beating pawpaw does have some mad skillz"

Birth

2009-05-29T20:30:00.001-07:00

Tonight I got to watch my grandson being born. It was the most amazing and weird experience of my life. I'm so honored that T. let me be a part of his birth.
What made it even more amazing is that D's ex wife and her "wife" were there and we all got along wonderfully. Apparently the talk she had with the kids before D jr's wedding really got through to her. She even handed baby Noah right to me after she and her partner got their turns holding him.
I have witnessed two deaths in my lifetime, they changed how I view the world and I think Noah's birth will, too.

Intervention

2009-05-25T19:45:00.000-07:00

I just had to have N's girlfriend come over and take the Blue Bell Groom's Cake ice cream I bought out of the house. I'm powerless over ice cream and my weight will become unmanageable.

Bitter

2009-05-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

D jr. got married Saturday. They had a photo montage of the bride and then the groom. There was exactly one picture of D jr. with his father and none at all of me. They used his graduation pictures that WE paid for and one from the cruise that WE paid for but we, apparently didn't count enough to be in the slide show.
But, wait, it gets worse. I got the brilliant idea to get them a room at the new Omni for their wedding night, since they weren't having a honeymoon. D checked with his son first, he said that would be wonderful. Pre-paid for a premier room, strawberries and champagne. D must have asked his son a hundred times "son, you're sure you'll use the room?", so much so that I was getting irritated.
Guess what? They got to drunk and didn't go to the hotel, they passed out in the room his bride's parents got for the bridal party. Nice way to flush $217.00 down the toilet.

if at first you don't suceed

2009-05-05T18:12:00.000-07:00

try throwing some butter at him

D & I got into yet another argument on Sunday, about his diet. I got so mad, I threw a package of butter at him and said "here, here's lunch"

Since then, we've joined a gym, worked out 3 nights in a row, even tried a water aerobics class and he's eating much, much better. He's like a new man.
If only I'd known, I'd have thrown butter at him a lot sooner

I don't get it

2009-04-29T18:54:00.000-07:00

D and I just got back from Mexico last week
D has a compromised immune system
and yet, I am not rushing to the store to stockpile supplies, buying hand sanitizer and face masks by the dozen
I just don't get why everyone is panicking

Statistically, I'm more likely to get killed on my way to work than to die of this flu. Yet, I drive to work every single day, along with millions of others. No one is panicking about that, are they?
What purpose does it serve to freak out?

email from my boss

2009-04-23T17:13:00.000-07:00

I emailed him from Cozumel, he's very new to emails, usually I do all his correspondence for him
here was the reply he sent, which I just got when I got home

With this address, I am not sure this a mystery admirer from Cozumel or my valued ssistant on vacation. I will assume it is you and I am happy to hear that yall are having a great time. All is well here as I am now bidding XXXXX (top secret job). I will be looking forward to your return because I do not like typing and besides it is not the same without you. Say hello to D and I hope all of you have the best time ever.

is that not the sweetest?

I know I'll never love this way again

2009-04-15T06:26:00.000-07:00

When Huevos & Ricky died, I truly believe I would never love another cat the way I loved those two. After 18 years it was hard to imagine ever feeling the depth of connection I had with them again. I liked Cricket & Faith and thought they were ok, as far as cats go, but they weren't my boys.
Then Faith started worming her way in, jumping on my lap to be petted, always laying next to me in my chair. I started to grow fonder of her until one day I caught myself looking at her picture on Catbook and missing her while I was at work.
But Cricket was a bigger challenge. She had a hard go of it when we first got her because Ricky was still around and he was old, sick and grumpy. And, of course, he demanded my attention an my loyalty. So Cricket became daddy's girl.
I've been brushing Faith every morning on the bathroom counter, it's our little routine. A couple weeks ago, Cricket decided to join us. Every morning my girls wait their turns for some brushing and attention. And they've started sleeping with me, too. Faith sleeps on my head an Cricket sleeps on a pillow next to the window. I love waking up and seeing their furry little selves. I've really missed that.
This morning I realized I love them both dearly and I will truly miss them while we are on vacation next week. I think Ricky & Huevos would approve.

was this rude?

2009-04-14T08:10:00.000-07:00

A vendor just called, making chit chat, which I hate anyway
he said "did you get plenty to eat at Easter"
I said "didn't celebrate"
silence
"oh, didn't celebrate, ok"

was I rude?

maybe I should have said "well, my husbands ex pitched a fit so we got uninvited to Easter dinner with the kids, then I got a bad stomach ache from some soup I had at lunch so my husband had cheese & crackers for Easter dinner"

family drama

2009-04-12T16:21:00.000-07:00

family drama, again
apparently J (D's ex) actually speaking to me at the bridal shower yesterday was a fluke
today she pitched a fit and managed to get us uninvited to Easter at T's house
I'm fucking sick of this, we are easy going, never make demands, don't mind being in the same place as her and SHE is the one who gets to be with the family while we eat frozen fucking pizza because I made no plans
N let T have it over the whole not wanting to upset her mother crap and T ended up calling her dad, crying. Of course, that still doesn't mean we are there, with our family, nope J gets to be there instead.

Most Romantic Husband

2009-04-11T19:58:00.000-07:00

Today is our 7th anniversary. To celebrate, D wanted to go to THE most expensive restaurant in town, in fact he made reservations. I vetoed that idea and he rose to the challenge. While I was napping, he got online and googled restaurants in the area, reading menu's and reviews. He ended up making us reservations at an amazingly intimate little place with fantastic food. We lingered over our meal and had a fabulous time.
Being the die hard romantics that we are, we are now both in the living room on our laptops.

Pirates

2009-04-10T06:48:00.000-07:00

N just emailed me to ask if the cruise ship captain being held by pirates was anywhere near where our cruise was going next week.
I'd forgotten what life is like when you don't watch the news.

I'm famous

2009-04-07T10:24:00.000-07:00

I love twitter
so far, I've been followed by the weatherman, charter cable, priceline and island records
charter cable cracks me up the most though, I tweeted in reply to someone else talking about hating them, that they were my arch nemesis and u matter 2 charter contacted me like 10 seconds later

That might explain things

2009-04-03T07:53:00.000-07:00

My Dr. just called with my blood test results...looks like I might have hypothyroid
the tests weren't clear, one test showed something but another test didn't so he said we'll recheck in 3 months
that would certainly explain the depression and lethargy, though

srsly funny

2009-04-01T08:02:00.000-07:00

ok, so yeah, I don't really blog anymore
I spend my time on Facebook now & Twitter

this is a hysterical facebook version of the Israelites departing Egypt
Facebook Seder

He might have liver disease, diabetes & a bad pancreas but at least he does the dishes

2009-03-26T11:08:00.000-07:00

I was just reading a blog about a husband who rolls his eyes when asked to do chores around the house. I would so not put up with that. I work full time and earn a good living, we can share the chores, thank you very much! D is really good about that, in fact he's better at dishes than I am and he's a better cook, too.

Down in a Hole

2009-03-25T08:27:00.000-07:00

I'm seriously depressed
I don't know if it's because I started on birth control pills to control my pms symptoms, although that would be rather ironic, or if it's just life.
We have no work at my job, I don't even want to bid anything because it all seems so futile. I don't want to do anything at all, actually. I just want to sit in my chair at home and veg out. Everything that requires effort is too much for me.
*sigh*

The problem with blogging

2009-03-17T07:38:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine just had to put her cat down and for some morose reason, I decided to go back and re-read my blog posts from when Huevos died, when Ricky died, when Banjo died and when Bugsy died.

seriously wtf is wrong with me

I'm sobbing at my desk now

shit

in passing

2009-03-15T08:25:00.000-07:00

D: you know, you're really lucky to have ended up with a guy like me

Me: you're right, I might have ended up with a healthy, rich guy instead

Surprise

2009-03-07T23:15:00.000-08:00

D and the kids and grandkids threw me a surprise party for my birthday today
I thought we were going to pick up the boys for a picnic and instead the whole family was there
I was really surprised
the funniest part was my present from D
he had N come get my presents, he told her it was two boxes in the garage in a certain spot
so she wraps them and takes them to T's for the party
I unwrap the first box....it's my angel collection that I'd put up when I gave away the hutch to make room in the kitchen
woops, wrong box
so, I unwrap the second box and
it's the crockpot my sister said she was sending for my bday because ours broke
it's really nice, even has a locking lid
but, it's not from D

it was hysterical
I told him I'd rather wait 'til tomorrow anyway

layoffs

2009-03-03T10:05:00.000-08:00

this morning my boss came into my office and sat down
he said "now, I don't want this to freak you out"
(so of course, I immediately started to freak out)
and then proceeded to ask for a list of employees, by seniority
if we don't get work by the end of the week, the layoffs will start

fucking economy

Everything is so amazing and nobody's happy

2009-02-28T07:08:00.000-08:00

This cracks me up

so very true

worst case scenarios

2009-02-26T08:19:00.000-08:00

my boss had me give him a list of the bare minimum monthly expenses this morning
assuming no work but keeping everyone on at 40 hrs per week
pretty scary

the phones are not ringing
we have NO work for March and beyond

the kids business came to a screeching halt a couple weeks ago, too

this economy SUCKS

literally

2009-02-24T08:06:00.000-08:00

You tube literal
Literal versions of songs, it's hysterical

that was weird

2009-02-23T18:58:00.000-08:00

I found out today that if D died without a will, his kids would get half of everything. That's not ok by any stretch of generosity. So, we filled out a will online and they will mail it and he'll get it signed. It was bizarre to discuss it so "business" like. But, it makes me feel better to know it's taken care of. Since he never got more life insurance when he had the chance, I sure can't afford to split everything with his kids. I really do NOT want to have to marry again, just to be sure I won't be homeless in my old age. I have no retirement at my job, and we're not big savers, preferring to "make hay while the sun shines" and enjoy our money now.
I didn't do a will for me. There's no kids to worry about, D can have it all. I wonder, though, what to do about our pets. If we were to both die, who would take care of our babies? Any volunteers?

Right America

2009-02-19T19:46:00.000-08:00

D was watching this on HBO and it was really making me mad. Lots of idiot rednecks saying things like "I'll never vote for a n*****r." and talking about how Obama is Satan, a terrorist, a socialist, etc. Every bad email I ever got in the last 2 years was represented and people really believed the shit they were spouting.
I asked D to turn it off but he wouldn't.
I'm glad he didn't. I forgot about the happy ending!!!!

some things just crack me up

2009-02-18T06:35:00.001-08:00

I'm now following god on twitter

state of the economy

2009-02-16T11:46:00.001-08:00

just had lunch with Mrs. Honey
she's out of work
one position she recently applied for she was one of 5 people the owner's narrowed down from the TWELVE HUNDRED applications they got in 3 days
1200
it's insane
they had the exact same ad out last year and got 250 applicants

Be Mine

2009-02-15T17:09:00.000-08:00

flowers
2 lbs of See's Chocolate
massage, facial, mani, pedi

today
he did the grocery shopping
cooked pot roast & veggies
and a pineapple upside down cake
and did the dishes

does it get any better?

why I love him

2009-02-10T09:52:00.001-08:00

my husband totally cracks me up. email exchange:

me to him (joking about my weatherman/twitter friend):
My weather connection says the storms could be pretty bad tonight

him to me:
My weather connection says that my upper level high is going to meet with your lower jet stream and the results could be very beautiful.

Sometimes Death Isn't Funny

2009-02-09T19:19:00.000-08:00

I've been watching "Dead Like Me" episodes on Netflix online. I had to order a disc to get the last two episodes of season 1, though. Tonight's episode "Vacation" was the most depressing version of a hilariously funny show, ever. Death took a vacation so they were cataloging people's last thoughts. The very idea of it causes that violent panic reaction in me that I get when I think of my own demise.
I guess I should have expected that while watching a show about a grim reaper, huh?

my brain is mush & I think my eyes are bleeding

2009-02-06T13:46:00.000-08:00

boss still gone (they had to put his daughter in a pysch ward)
bids coming in like crazy

I've been working so hard my brain hurts

I can't tell a portal from a wall panel at the moment

Thankfully it's Friday so I can go home and not think about it again for 2 days

No one has a perfect life

2009-02-05T06:52:00.000-08:00

My boss has a pretty normal family. In fact, he thinks I'm interesting because I know so many people who have issues that he's never dealt with in his own world. He has two teenage daughters and I've known for years that it was only a matter of time until problems started to crop up. It's a given when raising teenagers.
His oldest has always been the golden girl and the younger daughter the rebel. So, of course it's the golden girl whose having troubles. Serious troubles. I feel so bad for him because he really doesn't know how to deal with this shit. It's such a shock to him.
I guess I'm jaded, too many AA meetings will do that to a person. I don't believe anyone is exempt from life's troubles. He'll get through it, and hopefully his daughter will, too.
In the meantime, it's just a mean time.