Mom's wedding

My mom's decided on next March to get married and being the loving, caring child that I am, I totally talked her into a cruise ship wedding! Not that it took much to convince her. She loves to cruise as much as I do. Now I get to have all the fun of helping her plan. In my next life, I swear I'm going to be a travel agent. It's just too much fun to weigh all the possibilities and come up with the very best options.
I'm so excited! My whole family is going!
This totally distracts me from the fact that my fridge went kaput this morning and I'm going to have to buy a new one. Since I have to save for a cruise, we'll get one at Tenderly Used Appliances. I have my priorities you know.

After a holiday

I am so sleepy! I hate the first day back after a holiday weekend. I stayed up too late and slept in all weekend so of course I had a hard time going to bed at a decent hour last night. It didn't help that N's girlfriend brought stuff to make smores and I ate a ton of them at about 8:30 PM!

We didn't do much this weekend, mostly just relaxed at home. Although, yesterday, D got up at 6:30 to start the smoker to make brisket. We had brisket, potato salad, baked beans, watermellon, lemon bars and s'mores. D's kids came over (all except the oldest girl) and two of the grandkids and we swam and hung out and had a great day together. N and her girlfriend stayed the longest. N has really turned out to be a great kid, I actually enjoy her company these days. What a change.

I kept waiting for my sisters to call, they didn't. I guess I should have called them but I wanted them to call me first. They were probably having a glorious time at the beach or some other fabulous place. *sigh*

Another tragedy

A guy D hired a few weeks ago died yesterday in a motorcycle wreck. Going to fast around a curve, his bike flipped and crushed him to death.
D got the call yesterday afternoon, right after it happened. By the time the day was through, almost every guy he works with had called. Those guys are really close and they look to D for support in the tough times. It's going to be a hard day at work for him today.

More proof that I am my mother's child

I just got the nicest compliment ever from a fellow soapmaker on my message board....

"Do you have any idea how insanely funny you are in THE most incredibly intelligent way?"

This is the best day of my life.

Reflections

Sometimes I catch glimpses of my mother when I look in the mirror. Sometimes I am reminded of her when I look for my car keys or I head out to the car, juggling my purse, my lunch and a cup of coffee. I haven't yet started to wear hot rollers but my hair is growing so it's feasable I might and take them out in the car on the way to work, like my mom used to.
I think of her at my age, with 4 kids, a new husband and 4 teenaged step-children. I try to imagine what it must have been like to work two jobs and raise 4 kids on her own and still have time to date. I see her, in my minds eye, talking on the phone, smoking a cigarette and laughing.
She is an enchanting woman, my mother. Men have always flocked around her, she is pretty, but it's her joie de vie that draws them in.
When my mom was my age, I was embarrassed by her. She talked to the check out boys at the grocery store, hell, she talked to everyone. Total strangers would have 15 minute conversations with her while standing in line and I hated it.
I was 29 the first time that happened. I laughed and joked with the butcher at the grocery store, telling him all about my plans for the shrimp I was buying. When I left the store, I realized I was just like my mother.
I am glad.

That's what friends are for

I emailed ST with a report of my weekend and here's what she sent back

"I am sooo sorry!
I would probably panic too if my whole face was covered..........hey, you know what?
Just think how much $ you are likely to save in your lifetime by not having all this pamering done..........OOOODDDDLES!
Maybe you could come up with an ECO soap with bug skeletons in it? Someone is bound to need bugs...for protein, maybe?"

I only think I have problems

Cancer, Baby

Even though, clicking on that link, you start at the unbearably sad ending, please go through the archives and read everything she wrote. Insight, raw emotion and yes, humor. I wish I'd had the chance to know her.

When to say "Uncle"

I hate depression. I hate the way it makes me feel inside. I hate that it causes me to isolate myself, to not answer the phone, to not reach out to others. I hate that I can't be the loving, fun, caring, spontaneous me that I usually am.
But, I hate, really, really, really hate, admitting that it's too much for me, that I need help. I hate the drugs, even if they do work, I hate asking for them, discussing it with my Dr., etc.
So, I forge on and it gets better and I think "haha, see, I bet you, you stupid depression" and I blame pms, or the moon or a string of bad luck.
Things have been bad lately and I know "this too shall pass" but how do I get through the meantime?

BUGS...this day has really sucked!

Well the day did NOT get better.

Some calendula flowers I bought were INFESTED WITH BUGS!!!!!!!
And....the bugs got all over my soap room. ALL OVER IT!!!!!!!!

I googled, I think they are something called "drugstore beetles". The best way to get rid of them is to get rid of what they infested, done and then get rid of or store safely anything else they could infest. I had been in the middle of that last weekend when I stopped and left everything out. That's how they got all over the room. I've spent hours killing the fuckers, bleaching, throughing things out, etc. Every time I think I'm done, I find another one.

Today has NOT been my day

Spa Day = Bad

I just got back from what was supposed to be a day of pampering. Unfortunatly, it was a very horrible experience.
First was my facial. I drank a glass of water while waiting for my appointment, bad idea. More on that in a minute.
So, the facial guy, I've dealt with before and I'd forgotten he can be a bit of a snot about skincare. So, when he asked what I washed my face with I told the truth, that I used my soap. Well, he got so pissy with me about using soap on my face "Oh, is that supposed to be good for you, what's the ph of your soap" and on and on. Got me unrelaxed right off the bat. Then he started talking about his dog that died...great, I, of course, started thinking of Huevos.
So, I get the facial and next comes the parrafin face mask. He puts it on and leaves the room and I go into a total, full blown panic attack. I've got gauze on my eyes and wax on my face, can't see and I have to pee!!!
So, I called out for J but he didn't come so I ripped off the face mask and stumbled out and found the bathroom. I still couldn't find J. In fact, he showed up 20 mintues later, after I'd sat there and cried. It was so awful. I have no idea why that happened.
So, next was the body scrub. That was nice, coffee grounds and cinnamon and some oils. As she was rinsing me off while I lay on the table, I thought, "wow, this is probably what an autopsy is like" lying on a table getting hosed down. Gee, now that was a relaxing thought! After that was supposed to be the Vichy shower but my face got all wet and the steam filled the room and I felt like I couldn't breathe and blamo, another panic attack. I was soooo mad and dissapointed at myself but I couldn't stop it, so no Vichy shower for me. I don't get panic attacks, I have no clue why this happened today!
Next was the massage, it was nice but I couldn't fully relax. Finally was a wash and style with my stylist, K, who is J's s partner. I do not understand how they can work together and be lovers. They are polar opposites. I love K, he's done my hair for over 10 years now. He immediatly hugged me and said he was sorry I'd had such a bad day. He said he thinks that I spend so much time and energy caring for others that when I got my defenses down by being pampered, I cracked. I didn't tell him about J's attitude, it's not like he doesn't already know how J is. They own the salon and make a fortune together doing it.
So, anyway, that was my day. I guess I shouldn't have booked a salon day during pms, huh?

Or maybe not

D doesn't think he passed. *sigh*

Oh well, he can take it up to 3 times for the same $105. His boss took it, too and they both decided it was way hard. At least now they know what to study.

In happier news...D's pops is taking us to VEGAS!!!!!!
We're going the last week in June with his sister and brother in law and his dad. We're going to his sister's tommorow to decide on a hotel. I've done a bunch of research and I think The Orleans is our best bet. Pops wanted the Golden Nugget but their pool is being remodelled and I want something to do besides gamble.

We used up all the bad luck, right?

In 30 minutes, D will taking a test for his job that, if he passes, will enable him to earn more $ and be eligible for his bosses job when his boss retires.

Wish him luck!

A day of bad news

D got a free glaucoma screening yesterday and his right eye registered high pressure...off to the eye Dr. for him (his regular Dr. told him to go a year ago to get checked out since diabetes fucks with the eyes but Dr's aren't nearly as smart as D, just ask him.)
Then my sister called from NC. Her roommate here killed herself the day after sis left. She overdosed herself with insulin. Fuck, what a nightmare. My poor sister, two dead roommates in 6 months. Sis kind of suspected this would happen and tried to help but Nancy didn't want to be helped, I guess she just wanted out. At least she waited until after sis moved.
Next, I found out a man who contributed greatly to my soapmaking forum, who was patient and kind and funny and taught us homecrafters all about safe manufacturing of cosmetics (he was a professional formulator) died suddenly of a heart attack.
All in all, a shit day...It started so well with the kittens and then went to hell.
Today must be better.

The city giveth and the city taketh away

D is a city water dept. foreman and one of the fantastic perks of his job has been a city truck to drive back and forth to work with the city paying gas and insurance as well.
Well, the city just held elections and there was a big turnover on the city council. D just got a call from his boss and it looks like the new council is going to yank city provided trucks. We don't have another vehicle (other than the bike) so we'll have to buy a new car, pay insurance and gas for it. And, even though they are yanking the truck he's had for years, they won't be compensating him with extra income. (His boss loses his truck, too) I've somehow got to figure out where the money is going to come from.

Kittens!!!!!!!

I walked into a kitten rescue here at work this morning. My boss had heard a kitten mewing up in the ceiling and sent one of the guys up to save it. We found the poor thing and then found mama and the rest of the kittens up in the storage area. Luckily mama cat took the kitten right back.
Now...how to convince D to let me bring them home!

Life surprises me yet again

I'm lazy so I'm going to cut&paste from my soamaking forum

I mentioned in xxxx's thread that I know the pain she's feeling today all to well.

But, I also know a different emotion, one I didn't expect. Happiness.

You see, I'm a childless stepmom, too. And for 3 years, my youngest stepdaughter, who is 19 now, lived with dh and I. Those were some very hard times for us all. I learned from other parents that it's hard to raise girls during those years (15-18) and not to take it personally. It had nothing to do with me being her stepmom, it had everything to do with her age. Some days that was hard to believe.

Eventually though, she grew up. She graduated high school and moved out. Against our wishes, she decided not to go to college. She got her own apartment and has been paying her own bills for over a year now. She's grown into an amazing young woman and I'm very proud of her. She's even going to be taking some classes in night school this summer at the community college and won't let us pay for it!

She and one of her older sisters just stopped by and brought 2 of my stepgrandchildren. I love being "Mimi" to those boys and they don't know the "step" part, to them I'm just another grandma who spoils them rotten. Anyway, N and T came over and brought me a card and a gift (a prayer necklace because N remembered I broke the one I used to wear).

Then, N and her girlfriend asked if they could have some soap to take as a gift to the girlfriend's grandma because they were going to buy her a gift at the store but couldn't think of anything nicer to give than my soap. This from the kid, who at 15 asked after my first craft show was a huge flop "are you finally going to quit making soap now?" because she was embarrassed by me giving all her friends my soap.


I have two other stepchildren whom I probably won't hear from today but I don't take it personally. I know they have busy lives and they are just where they are in life, hell, they don't call their dad on Father's Day, either. The greatest part of my day was knowing that these two girl's took time out of their lives to bring me a gift, not because they had to but because they wanted to.

Like xxxx and other infertile women all over, I have sadness on Mother's Day but thanks to my stepdaughters, I have happiness, too.

Why I hate Mother's Day

Inevitably someone, usually several someone's, will say "A woman doesn't fulfill her true purpose in life until she becomes a mother" or "I never knew real love until I became a mother" or "There's no love like a mother's love" or one of a thousand variations on the "you'll never have a complete life because you can't have children" theme.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

Tomorrow my sister leaves. Everything will be different for me. I never realized the full extent of my relationship with her. How much I depend on her. She's the one I hang out with, the one who pet sits at a moment's notice, the one who encourages me when I feel like giving up, the one who comes with me to my craft shows and gives me pep talks and potty breaks and convinces me that I really can sell my stuff, the one who is there for me, no matter what. I don't have anyone else in my life who is quite like my sister.
I'm not ok with this. I blew up at D last night over some piddly ass b.s. because I totally don't want to deal with how I'm feeling right now.
And yet, I'm powerless, and selfish and even if I could make her stay, I wouldn't. This is what is right for her and for our little sis, too. And somehow, it's got to be what's right for me, too, doesn't it?

nonna's notes

nonna's notes

This is why I'm not posting much. She's leaving me and I don't think I can post about it right now. So many years of memories. I feel like nothing will ever be the same.

A Public Service Announcement for YoJ

videos - Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Not hell after all, but chocolate heaven

chocolate spoon fudge-

The lady I won my soap website from just started a new endeavor. She sells wax tarts, jewelry and spoon fudge. I had no idea what spoon fudge was but since it involved chocolate and I wanted to throw a little business her way seeing as how I won a free website and all, I ordered some.
Yesterday, I was lying on the couch bemoaning the fact that our casa was temporarily sans chocolate when D, for whatever reason, opened the front door to discover a package had arrived. IT WAS MY FUDGE!
The gods of chocolate had blessed me. I ordered dark chocolate coffee bean for me and chocolate almond for D. (yes, he has diabetes, yes his insurance is paid up)
The dark chocolate coffee has the BEST flavor. Chewing the ground coffee beans is a little off putting but well worth it for the taste. The chocolate almond is dead ringer for mom's Christmas fudge, only softer. YUM YUM YUM
The 10 oz jar is HUGE, that's a lot of fudge folks.
She's going to be coming out with a 2 oz sampler pack soon and you know I'll be ordering!

This is the part where I seal my fate

Store/NormalBobSmith.com

Someone must buy me the Jesus fridge magnets.. I want the "Final Justice" version

I know...I will burn in hell

Improv Everywhere Mission: Best Buy

Improv Everywhere Mission: Best Buy

What a funny thing to do!

Music = memories

Music is such a powerful medium. I was driving to work this morning when the Ramone's came on and suddenly I was transported back to 8th grade, listening to the grainy 8-track my best friend Leslie Limeberger had made me of the Ramone's, the Boomtown Rats and the B-52's for the first time and discovering a whole new world.
I cranked it up and jammed all the way to work. I still do that when I'm 90.

The N Report

We took N and her girlfriend, Ch, to dinner last night to celebrate N's new job. She's going to be the receptionist for a gas drilling co. Full time, making damn good money. She offered to start paying for her own insurance as soon as she gets a few paychecks. In addition, she's already enrolled in two classes for night school this summer.
I'm so proud of her!

Once upon a time

Shock of the Real: An Interview with Karen Finley

Once upon a time I saw this woman shove yams up her butt on stage at the Theatre Gallery.

Layers upon layers upon layers of my past

Yet today, I'm wearing a flowery skirt and a pink top. Pink for godssake...what have I become?

Something to look at when you're bored at work

demonbaby: The First Annual MySpace Stupid Haircut Awards!

Night wind

I have always loved the feeling of a cool night breeze on my skin. It energizes a place deep inside my soul. Night's like that seem to be so full of promise, of mystery, of adventure.

Last night, after birthday night at our AA group (D chaired and said some wonderful things when he introduced me), we went out riding with ST and R. We didn't play poker again this week so I was starting to think maybe they were mad at us or something. You know, 'cause everything is still always about me in my mind. But, no, they just had some issues with their teenage son to deal with. So, we went riding and had a marvelous time just riding around the lake and up to another AA group by the house. It was beautiful out, perfect really. Night's like that are what life is all about for me. The man I love, good friends, the Harley, AA and the night breeze.