A Healthy New Year?

Last year for Christmas a friend of mine gave me a wishbox necklace. I wrote "good health and happiness" on a slip of paper and stuck it in the box. I don't think the good health part came true. D just said he shudders to think what might of happened if I hadn't put that wish in there.
My ex and I had few things in common but one thing we did both have was recurrent strep throat. My dr. discussed the idea of taking out my tonsils but I'm to old to put myself through that. So today when my fever is gone but I still have a painful lump the size of a lemon on the side of my neck, I decided to try one of my ex's tricks. It's disgusting but effective. If you have a white or yellow pus pocket in your tonsil you can take a q-tip to it and remove the offending matter and sometimes stave off an infection. Today's q-tip produced blood. Blood is never a good sign but since all the Dr's offices are closed and there is no way I'm going to the ER for a sore throat, I'm doing a big no-no. I'm taking some antibiotics that were up in the cupboard from a previous Dr. visit D had. Wish me luck.

Baby pics

http://www.craiganddiana.blogspot.com

I'm not dead, I just look like I am

I feel like hammered horse manure.
Started feeling bad Tuesday night, went to bed and didn't get up at all yesterday. I had to come to work this morning but my brain didn't come with me.
Swollen glands, sore throat, achy muscles and tired, tired, so very tired.

Real men do eat quiche

I had another nightmare kitchen experience wherein every idea I had for dinner was ruled out. I sauted some bell pepper, celery, garlic and onion and added some of the leftover Christmas ham. I was going to make quiche first but I didn't have enough eggs, then the cabbage I just bought was bad (bagged, shredded) so I couldn't make fried cabbage, then I didn't have the canned tomato's for the ham jambalaya and on and on.
Finally I did what I should have done in the first place and sent D to the store for eggs. And my quiche came out perfect! They are beautiful and D even liked them, alot, enough to have seconds which he rarely does of anything I cook (we have very different tastes, he mostly likes meat).

Good news from the blood dr.

I had my bi-annual hematologist appointment this morning and got good news. My white blood count is almost back to normal levels. 10,900 which is the lowest it's been in almost 3 years!
His theory is that the ischemic colitis was brewing for all that time and once it resolved itself my levels dropped. That was his guess back in July and it looks like he was right. All this time I thought it was sinus related. But, whatever, I'm feeling better and so is my blood. I gained 4 lbs since my visit in July but that is mostly fudge and shouldn't be too hard to lose.

Why Can't I?

I was 27 before anyone I loved died. Faith was easy until then.
I acquired faith in a "holy roller" church when I was in my early 20's and trying desperately to fit in with my husband's family. I'd get chill bumps and think "oh, that's the holy spirit". I never could speak in tongues, so I'd fake it, still trying to fit in. I went to 4 1/2 years of Bible Study Fellowship, a world wide bible program that is completely non-denominational and very thought provoking. I learned a lot of "facts" from the bible and background information about the times it was written in that really changes the meaning of some of the passages.
I dropped out of BSF when it started to interfere with my drinking. I dropped out of church before that. People in the churches we went to were cruel and thoughtless. They said things like "if you pray hard enough, your stepdad will be healed". He wasn't, so I figured I wasn't a good Christian. That wasn't the worst thing that was ever said. The worst was when some "friends" called and said it was important to come over right away, the wife had a message from God for me! Oh, I was so excited. We drove over and she said "God has revealed to me that the reason you can't get pregnant is there is some sin in your life you must overcome".
Not in my husband's, mine. She was very clear about that. This was before I started drinking again, during a time when I was living as sin free of an existence as I knew how. During the time I was on Clomid and being artificially inseminated monthly and not getting pregnant. To say my heart was broken is the understatement of the year. We didn't quit the church then, though. That came later when I made a harmless joke at a church party and the assistant pastor called my home before we even got back from the party to tell my husband he needed to discipline me for my words.
I slowly lost my faith after that. My stepdad's death, not getting pregnant, and other things slowly stripped away my belief that prayer changes things. When I would up in AA a few years later, it was easy to grasp the "higher power" concept and leave it at that. I figured I wouldn't try to go any deeper than that, because part of my problem in church was that BSF taught me just enough to realize all the discrepancies in what was being taught from the pulpit and shared in the pews. I was smarter than them, I could pick apart what they said and see that they surely didn't know their bible well. I was a big hypocrite. The Big Book of AA addresses people like me and advises them to try to focus on the good that faith brings into people's lives and not on the hypocrisy. In order to do that, I've avoided church all together.
Last night we went to a service at my sil's church. I went, searching for my lost faith. I used to love Christmas Eve services, so holy and reverent. By the time the first cartoon finished playing on the overhead projector, I knew I wouldn't find what I was looking for there. I tried. I prayed for God to touch my heart, I prayed for an open mind. I prayed for faith.
I even took communion in hopes that something would change, something would happen. Half afraid it would and I'd somehow be turned into the shell of a person I was in my 20's and lose my sense of self. Even with that fear, I prayed for faith. It didn't come.
By the time we sang the final song and my mind immediately started thinking "that girl in front of me has horrible panty lines, what was she thinking".. I knew nothing had changed. The "body and blood" of Christ left my mouth dry and my soul empty.
I left feeling sorry for myself. I thought things like "it would have been really shitty if the virgin Mary had an infertile sister, can you imagine how she would have felt?" and "my sister had a baby and all I got was my period" (Yes, indeed and a Merry Christmas to you, too)
I'm not giving up though, in my quest for faith. I need it. I need it to be able to sleep at night. I was 27 when my stepfather died and now, at 37 I've come to realize that I will die someday as well. This thought haunts me. I have no idea how much longer I will be alive but I need something to believe in. Life needs to have a reason, a purpose, a design. I know scores of women who will say they know their purpose in life is to raise their children and claim they never knew true love until their child was born.

Where does that leave me?

Kitchen + Me = Bad

So, first I broke glass all over the kitchen. The next night I caught a hand towel on fire and tonight I managed to break a PLASTIC salt shaker. There is something seriously bad going on in my kitchen!

In other news, Huevos got a reprive from the nasty medicine that makes him pee when I try to make him swallow it. His blood levels were much better and he's gained 1.5 lbs. He still has to do sub q fluids and the pills but those don't bother him near as much as that liquid stuff.

Also, I'm waiting for my mom and older sis to figure out how to send pictures of my nephew to me so I can post them. I'm giving them 1 more day then I'm going to attack them with Christmas guilt. I need to see this baby!

It's a Boy!

My sister said he's HUGE and beautiful!
Everything went ok. Mom is still asleep!

Please Pray, Light A Candle, Send Positive Thoughts, Etc

She's been in labor since yesterday at 4:30 and been in heavy push for 4 hours. She's exhausted. They can see the curls on the babies head but it's too big for her to push out. She's having a c-section right now.

She has epilepsy and is in a great deal of fear that the exhaustion + the drugs from the c-section will trigger a seizure. Plus we have a genetic blood clotting mutation (our father died of a lung clot after exploratory surgery)

I'm thousands of miles away and at work. My mom and older sister are there, though.

I'm scared for my sister and I'm of course, powerless. Please send positive vibes, prayers, what have you

Wait for it

Nope
No baby yet. Got a text message at 8:00 am, she's pushing. Hopefully it will be soon. I'm pacing the halls at work like a dad in an old movie.

Labor

Sister called at 4:30 on the way to the hospital because her water broke. My older sister just called and updated me. She's in labor, just had an epidural. I got to hear the heart beat! Sometime tonight the baby will be born and I'll be an aunt for the first time (biological, I've been an aunt to my first husband's neices and nephews and to D's neice but this is different)
I'm so excited for her and scared and nervous that I can't sleep. I feel like going out and buying cigars!

How to change the rules?

The PsychoKitty Speaks Out

Psycho Kitty posted about another cat blogger who went on to Rainbow Bridge. NOT what I wanted to read today. I'm taking Huevos back to the vet on Saturday. I should have done it last week but I was afraid. But, we used the last of the sub q fluids last night so I need to go back.

I realize that taking him to the vet on Christmas Eve is totally setting myself up for a horrible holiday. You see, there is no more $ for another hospital stay right now. Plus, I wouldn't put him through that again. He has good days and bad days. He really hates his medicines but doesn't mind the iv fluids a bit. I'm hoping for a good report but you never know. Cats are good at hiding how sick they are.

I look at both my cats all the time and try to wrap my brain around the idea that someday soon they will both be gone. I can't make myself accept it.

I swear, I'm not making this up

Last night I made 4 bread puddings for D to take to work today for their luncheon. It did not go well. When I got home the cat had pooped on the floor. Then when I gave him his medicine he peed in my bed! So, I'm washing sheets. Then, when I started making the bread pudding, there was a bug in my brand new sugar! When I went to get the other sugar out I dropped a glass jar of peppercorns and it broke, peppercorns and glass everywhere. That wasn't the end of it, though. Nope, next thing you know, I'm cleaning up and I hit the counter with my hip and it knocked over the BIG mixing bowl. Of course it was glass. So then I had glass and peppercorns all over the kitchen and part of the living room. That is what David walked into when he got home. Shortly after cleaning everything up he made the mistake of telling me the meatloaf I made had a spice he didn't like! I told him next time just lie to me!!! Oh and I had an itch on my back and went to scratch it and started bleeding and it wouldnt' stop! It was a spot on my back that was very sun damaged the summer I was 15 and left a strawberry like mark. So, now I will need to go have that checked out. But, I got the damn bread puddings made.

Then my defenses say "I didn't want it anyway" but you know sometimes I'm a liar

I wonder if my sister will ever give birth? I bet she is wondering the same thing. Oh, the waiting is the hardest part...
At least I've got the Violent Femmes to keep me company. D fixed my cd player in my car, it's been months since I had anything to listen to but the radio. I never get tired of the Femme's. Even back in high school me and Sonja would sit in her car at the Clown Ramp and smoke clove cigarettes and listen to the Femme's over and over again. They seem to have mass appeal, since even D likes them.

Ain't had no fun....all the time, jack, jack jack jacking around......

Who said men don't have a sensitive side?

A 30-something woman meets a rather handsome and charming man in the bar of a highly-regarded restaurant. They talk for hours and really connect, and they end up leaving together. They go back to his apartment, and as he shows her around she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. Three wall-length shelves loaded with hundreds of the little guys, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing this very un-macho display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf; medium-sized bears covering the entire length of the middle shelf; and huge, enormous bears running all the way all along the top shelf. Quite the display! She found it strange for a man, who was clearly straight, to have such a large collection of teddy bears, and was quite impressed by his obvious sensitive side. All the while she thought to herself, "Oh goodness! Maybe this guy could be the one - maybe he could father my children!"
She turns to him. They kiss slowly in a passionate embrace and then make hot, steamy love.
After an explosive night of raw passion with this wonderful, sensitive guy - lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over towards him smiling sweetly. She strokes his chest and asks coyly, "So? How was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf"

You might try mouthwash

When looking for a job, it's important to put your best foot forward so to speak. So, if you show up in my lobby and I can smell the alcohol from 50 paces at 10:39 am, there's not much chance you'll be hired.

Baby, baby?

No baby yet
I talked to mom a little while ago. She said sis is miserableand very ready to have this baby.

Please send baby having vibes her way. I'm anxious to find out if jr. is a boy or a girl. And my sister is probably anxious to have her body back.

Toy Run

Star-Telegram | 12/19/2005 | Ride, Santa, ride (photos only)

What an awesome experience. Even though we did it last year I still felt as moved by participating as I did the first time. The weather was beautiful, the people on the side of the road cheering us on were so moving, I just love the whole event.

Respect to the Boozefighters for putting on such a awesome event and keeping the peace.

I'll never understand it

Half way through our group holiday party tonight the phone rang. Another member had died. Someone I didn't know well but who was a regular for years (he moved out of state a few years ago) and one of the many who helped D when he kept relapsing and overdosing. D called the famiy after the party and found out the guy had killed himself earlier today.
I hate it. I just fucking hate it. How many have to die from this shit? How many friends do we have to bury?

Met my old lover in the grocery store

Ok, not my old lover but my ex husband's brother and his wife. I knew they lived in this town so it was just a matter of time. It's been since 1998. They looked good and were very nice and friendly. In fact, my ex-sister in law is the one who recognized me first and she gave me a hug. I didn't say a word about her daughter calling me last summer to tell me how horrible the family treated her when she came out to them.
I am jaded enough to think since ex-sister in law is on the city council here she probably was just nice so I'd vote for her.

I'm not very good at Alanon

D and I just got into it over his diabetes. He has completly reverted to his old eating habits and then some. He's gained weight, too and refuses to exercise at all. He no longer checks his sugar regularly and doesn't "remember" to take his Metformin. I watched him scarf down half a can of doodads (like chex mix) and then eat two chocolate chip cookies this morning. A vender sent a box of cookies to his work and he brought them home. Smart thinking, huh?
I know I'm powerless to control him. He is in so much denial. He said "I was told I could have sweets in moderation" of course, being the addict that he is, he doesn't know how to do anything in moderation.
I do not want to watch my husband die. I'm very angry about this and of course, that doesn't help, either.
The Alanon's would say that I didn't cause it, I can't control it and some other "c" word I can't remember right now. I know nagging at him does no good. I just can't stop myself. I've even told him that when he dies from this shit I will be very, very pissed off at him.

What day is this?

All the blogs I read that are on typepad have reverted back to posts before December 9th. What's up with that? I tried refreshing them, tried several of them in fact, no good. I don't want to go back in time to last week!

At least we save money this way

I just finished luch which was leftover ziti from Olive Garden. I had it for dinner the first night and lunch for 2 days. There are some benefits to having gastroparesis.

I'm sorry

I'm really sorry about the pink dotted swiss puffy sleeved dresses with the white shoes bridesmaids from 1991 (first wedding). Really, I am.

Ugly Dress.com - Bridesmaid Dresses From Hell

Ugly Dress.com - Bridesmaid Dresses From Hell

I'm pretty sure I had to wear a dress just like that teal green camero dress in two seperate weddings

of course

as soon as I posted that and hit refresh, they're back

doh!

Oh say, can you see?

All my links over there --------------------->
are missing

can you see them?

You can ring my bell.....damn it!

I can't see the front entry from my office, in fact none of us can. So, we have a sign that says "please ring bell for service" and a bell.
Why the hell can't these damn pushy door to door sales people read? Instead of ringing the bell, they wander into my office and scare the crap out of me since my back faces the door.
Assholes
I always say something about them not ringing the bell and get the lamest excuses. I guess since the sign about the bell is right next to the one that says "No Solicitation" they want to pretend they didn't see it?

Wow, that's nice

I got home last night and checked my computer check book against the online one and guess what???
Nope, I didn't forget to pay a bill, I forgot to add in a deposit! I get a dividend check from my insurance company every year and this year it was over $100 and I forgot to add it into my balance.
How often is it something good like that? I was so pleased. I was really worried about Christmas this year but between me handmaking most of the gifts, the gift sets D has sold and the check from USAA, we're going to be able to swing it w/out dipping into the budget.

Of course, I still don't know what to get D!

Paying the bills

I do all the bill paying in the family. I like having the control of our finances or at least the illusion of control. In my first marriage my ex did all the bill paying, I didn't even have a check book. I never knew how much money we had or what he was up to financially.
I like the control but sometimes it's hard to keep up with. I just checked my bank balance and it's higher than it should be. Oh goody, right? Well, no, since I know there is a bill out that I must have forgotten to pay. I can check when I get home but being the control freak that I am, I'm sitting her obsessing about it. Which is silly since I can't do anything about it until I get home.

Word Find

Quote from the boss man
"December is going to be tight, with 5 payrolls and bonuses to pay out"

Find the word that just brightened my day

Down

I have a million reasons to be happy. I made extra money for Christmas thanks to D and his selling abilities, I have a nice home, great job, wonderful family & friends and the best husband in the world.
So...why do I feel so blue?
I started out the morning just fine and about an hour ago my whole body underwent a physical change. I felt it, one minute I was ok, the next, totally depressed. I feel it like a tangible presence in my brain.

Could it be the oatmeal?

Cool Kids

Bud just emailed me a link to a My Space site for a girl we went to school with. She's in the music biz and completely different from her preppy/conservative high school self. He mentioned our reunion which is next year and I jokingly said we'd all be at the cool kids table.
I got to thinking about high school and how I always felt like I was on the outside, looking in. Sometimes I tried very hard to fit in with the popular crowd and other times I said "fuck it" and did my own thing. But, secretly I always wanted to fit in, to be a part of, to be considered popular or cool or whatever.
That's one thing that has definitely changed since high school! Today it matters more to me that I like myself, that I'm true to myself, than what anyone else thinks. Not that I don't want people to like me, I'm just not willing to change who I am to achieve that. I think if I were in high school today I would be a "cool kid" simply by virtue of liking and accepting everyone else for who they are.
I'm really looking forward to my first sober reunion. I think it's going to be interesting to see how everyone turned out. So much of high school is one dimensional it will be fun to see who has developed a well rounded self and who is stuck in the 80's trying to be cool.

Red paper clip

http://oneredpaperclip.blogspot.com/2005/07/one-red-paperclip.html

this is very cool

Yawn.....strech

SNOW DAY!

Ok, ice instead of snow but I'll take it. I just got up at 9 am thank you very much. I'm now drinking a big hot mug of Cinnblast Rooibos tea from my favorite tea pusher http://www.scentbyspirit.com . This stuff is naturally sweet so I don't even need sugar. Yum

I'm going to wear sweats all day and play on the computer. Other than the sweats that's what I'd do if I were at work anyway. I do have a few things to do for my soap buisness and I probably could get started on some Christmas stuff or do something awful, like clean the house. But for now, I'm just gonna sit here and drink my tea.

Your husband might be a redneck if....

D was wearing a camo long sleeved shirt and a matching camo ball cap that one of his suppliers gave him yesterday.

Remembrance

Yesterday marked the 10 year anniversary since my step dad's death from lung cancer.
His death was an emotionally draining nightmare and marked the beginning of a downward spiral that cost me nearly everything. My ex-husband was very close to my stepdad and was bitter and angry at God when he died. We grew very far apart.
More bad things happened, my drinking increased and eventually, 2 1/2 years later, I got sober then got divorced. That 2 1/2 year period just happens to also be the time when I went through treatment for infertility. I was an emotional wreck.

Today I have a new life, a new home, a new husband and sobriety. I've learned a lot and grown in amazing ways in the last 10 years. Even though almost every other aspect of my life is different, I still have the same memories and the same sorrow.

Excuse me while I belch

I hate my body
seriously
what kind of fucked up shit is it that I have feel sick all the time?

This morning I wasn't feeling too well, so I skipped breakfast. I ate one piece of peanut butter fudge. (Sis & I made it Sunday, damn it's good). Lunch time came and I thought "hmmm, my stomach is not hurting, this is weird, maybe I'll try to eat something"

BIG MISTAKE

Two bites of leftover pasta later, I'm sick again.

So, what am I supposed to do, just not eat, ever? I have lost 20 lbs and could stand to lose 20 more so that part might not be too bad. But shit, this really sucks.

Let it snow

I haven't felt like posting. I think I'm depressed
I've got a brazillion things to do and I don't feel like doing any of them.
I did manage to have dinner with my insane friend last night. She's a great pal when she's not being completely fucking nuts. We ate Vietnamese which I love and could eat every single day.
D took some gift boxes I did up to work and got orders. The only problem being that I only had 4 of these awesome vinyl boxes that I got from Tuesday Morning. They are nested so each box is a different size. D didn't make that clear to the guys at work and of course, everyone ordered the same size. To buy them online costs twice as much as I got them at Tuesday Morning for and you have to buy the whole set of 6. So, tonight after I chair the 6 o'clock meeting we are going to hit up as many TM's as we can to see if we can find more of these boxes.
I did buy some Chinese take out containers at the discount grocers and made the absolute cutest "Diva to go" kits. D's taking those to work today and hopefully people will order them. I have 100 of those containers.
In other news, A's wife emailed me and in chatting mentioned that she and A are trying to have a baby with a Dr's help (since he is physically unable to). I'm wondering if she knows I wanted to do the same thing and A refused? I hope not. But either way, even though I'm so thankful for the life I have today, it still felt like she stabbed right through my heart. Still reeling from that one.

Oh yeah, snow. It might, tommorow. I hope it does.

Just in time for the holidays

I wonder if I can buy me some of these at the Walmart?

http://www.goingjesus.com/angels/
http://www.goingjesus.com/cavalcade1.shtml

this one's for Easter

http://www.goingjesus.com/easter/easter.shtml

Reason I love my boss #4,483

I just got through talking to my boss about a potentially sticky situation and here is what he said
"what would you do?"
I told him what I would do, which is a pretty generous thing but is truely what I would do if I owned the company. I gave him my reasons and he said "ok, if that's what you think we should do, we'll do it"

All I can take

Every once in awhile, I hit a full stop. My body and brain just refuse to continue down the stress filled road any longer.
Last night was a stopping point for me. I spent 2 1/2 hours at the vet with Huevos. His blood work was nearly as bad as the first day I took him in. I have to give him subcutaneous fluids twice a week. In addition he has pills and liquid medicines to take. As long as all this continues, he should live and be relatively happy.
Of course, none of this treatment is free or cheap. In addition, what happens if Ricky starts needing the same treatment? Where is point break?How do you weigh your finances against a life?
Just for today, I don't have to make a decision.