Now with more drama

Something happened last Friday that I haven't blogged about. At first I was too hurt and angry and then I was like "oh why bother posting". I didn't want to rehash it all anyway. But, since no one is commenting on my dull postings, I thought I'd tell ya'll about it.
Friday afternoon I only worked a half day. D picked me up and we had a nice lunch together. Headed home for some R&R but N was there. She had to work that afternoon and was whining about not having money for gas. D said "I'll just give you the gas card" and I said "whoa, wait a minute". I then explained to N that we were having some financial problems and couldn't be bailing her out all the time. I told her that I knew she had had money at the beginning of the week and since she hadn't been going to school or working, what did she do with that money. She got real defensive and said she spent it all on gas. Again I mentioned that she hadn't been going to school or working all week, so if she spent it on gas she was joy riding and it's not her dad and I's place to give her gas money if she can't budget better. I was calm throughout. She on the other hand got major pissed. She started yelling how all I do is nag her and how her dad and I always think she's doing something bad. She went off on a major rant which pissed me off and hurt my feelings at the same time. I asked for an example of my "nagging" and she said when I ask her where the rest of her clothes are (when she wears something skimpy). I explained that's teasing not nagging but if I'd known how much it bugged her, I'd have stopped doing it. I asked that if she has an issue to discuss it with me like an adult.
I told her that normally we gladly give her funds but we were in a crunch and she went off, saying we never give her money, which is a total lie. I also told her that she wouldn't be living here rent free when she graduates. You should have seen the look on her face, like I'd slapped her. She said "not even if I'm in school?" and I said if she was in school that would be different but since she refuses to take the SAT and hasn't applied to a single college, I didn't think she'd be in school this fall.
Anyway, it just went on and on, it was awful. She even went off on me for reading her friend's blogs but I still say if they don't want it read, they shouldn't publish on the net. Her father finally said "that's enough, you've crossed the line" to her. I told them both I was leaving for a drive. Ironically, I was out of gas and had to come back to the house for the gas card. D and I then drove to the hospital to pick up my boot cast and on the way had a long talk. We didn't fight, but I did tell him that N will either respect me or one of us will move out. I also told him that much of the tension between N and I is caused by him. He and I agree on something, then she convinces him to change it. It's frustrating and unfair.
So, since then, I've been vacillating between hurt and anger. N hasn't been home much. She was home last night but barely spoke 3 words to me. I really don't know what to do at this point. At first I expected her to apologize, like she normally does when she blows up at one of us. That hasn't happened. I feel changed somehow, I finally realized that his kids will never love me, maybe not even like me. D jr. was here all week and he treated me with polite indifference at best. These are the same kids that I've made HUGE sacrifices for, financially, time wise and in my marriage as well.
I feel like I'm getting to experience both sides of a shitty situation. As a child I got to be the unwanted kid that the stepmom didn't want around and as an adult I'm the unwanted stepmom that the kids resent. Life just seems so unfair at times. Why does the man I love have to have children? Why does the hurt little girl in me try so hard to make a fairy tale world for him and those children? Why do I even care what any of them think?
When I told Mrs. Honey what N said about me nagging, she asked "why would you make fun of an 18 year olds clothing, you know she'd just take that as a critizism?" which is probably true but hurt to hear. I don't know why I am the way I am. Because my parents did it to me? Because I feel like an imposter as a parent? Because I think I'm funny? Why do I spend so much time lecturing the kids about skin cancer (they both go to tanning beds), about college, about drinking, about anything, why the fuck should I care anyway, THEY ARE NOT MY KIDS!
Now I'm crying again, this really sucks

Return To Choctaw Ridge

Return To Choctaw Ridge

Lyrics

I heard the song on my way to work this morning and it's stuck in my head. Why did he jump, what was he doing at the sawmill, what did they throw off the bridge?

So much better to spend my time worrying about a fictional song than thinking about MY problems.

Grade A Prime Meat

I took my boot off for awhile at work 'cause my foot was itching. My boss saw it and said the bruise looks like the stamps they use on meat, that purple blue color.
Yep, that's me, I'm USDA approved, just use me before the expiration date.

Weight lost

Where does lost weight go?
I've lost a few pounds and 1/2 an inch each in both thighs and my hips, where did the weight go? Do you sweat it out? Poop it out? Does it evaporate?

I love pilates by the way, I'm giving it full credit for those lost inches and hoping it will help me lose more of them

That really wasn't so bad

The dentist was so cool. He said by waiting all these years, I've given the teeth time to grow in so extraction will be a LOT easier. All but one of the teeth is completely out, one is partially impacted and they will have to cut it in two to get it out. They gave me an rx for Halcion to take before my appointment. I didn't make an appointment yet, I have to get time off work and since I'm going out of town next week, I didn't want to take any more time off in April. I did make an appointment for a cleaning next Wed. I'll have clean teeth for my trip.
The best part? My cost is only going to be $170!! When I first got a quote, about 15 years ago, my cost was going to be $460. Not having to go into the bone or have an oral surgeon is going to save a lot of money.
So, for once my procrastination paid off.

P.S. I didn't tell ya'll, I had to get a boot cast for my foot last Friday, my regular Dr. (Dr. Yummy) said the ER doc was nuts for recommending full weight without one. Anyway, I was wearing it tonight at the group and I walked right into a chair. My ankle hurts like hell! I keep telling D "it feels like it's broken"..duh that's because it IS broken! I've been in denial about that part, thinking it would get better fast. I really don't want to have to wear the stupid boot cast on my trip!

Cleaning up my act

When I got divorced in 1998, I quit going to the dentist and the eye Dr. At first it was because I didn't have any money or insurance and then it was just that I was too lazy to make appointments. It has now been 7 years. Talk about procrastination, I should win a prize for that!
Anyway, today is my first dentist appointment in 7 years and I'm scared. I know I have a cavity on one of my wisdom teeth. I've been procrastinating getting them pulled for 19 years! I know there is probably more damage from not having regular cleanings than I want to admit.
Anyone want to come hold my hand?

5 Years ago today

The downtown area of the city where I live was hit by an F3 Tornado. I left work earlier than usual because one of the workers there mentioned a big storm coming, she probably saved my life, since my drive home was in the direct path of the storm. I got home minutes before the storm hit. Mrs. Honey called me and yelled "get in the shower, protect yourself" as at the time, everyone thought the storm would hit directly in my neighborhood.
I was torn about getting in the shower and leaving A. in bed but I couldn't do anything else for him. I didn't have time to lift him and get him in his wheelchair. I gathered all the animals and sobbed quietly in the shower for a few minutes then said "fuck it" and crawled in bed with A. Luckily for us, the storm took a right before it hit us.
The area around my job wasn't so lucky. A man died right across the street from where I worked. Our building was hit very hard and the owner of the company told me I now had the biggest office in the building because the wall between my office and the warehouse had collapsed.
The next morning I was told to report to work with a flashlight, wearing tennis shoes and jeans. I had to drive through police barricades to get there. It was like a war zone. The devastation in that area was unbelievable. Trees down, roofs torn off, cars stacked like blocks, tall buildings with all the windows blown out. I just couldn't believe the damage or the fact I had to go in to work that day! The warehouse was a mess, dirt and leaves and trash and everything we sold all tossed about. Four of the huge roll up doors had come completely off. A semi-truck loaded with a shipment for one of our customers was flipped upside down and across the street. I was ordered to get shipments out anyway I could (I was distribution manager) and since one of the warehouse workers had stayed late, packaging orders for the next day, I found those wet, dirty boxes and I shipped them. I thought I'd get fired for it but the customer later wrote an email commending us on our customer service and how they knew we'd put them ahead of even cleaning up our warehouse because there were leaves inside their boxes! Tornados do funny things, Some cash that was on my desk from a c.o.d. order was missing, a few days later it fell out of the ceiling joists.
The cleanup and repair lasted for months for us, years for some other buildings. I learned new parts of town as I drove around detours to get in to work. There were stories of bravery everywhere and tragedy as well.
As I look back on those days, I am struck anew by the human spirit to survive, to rebuild, to go on in spite of all obstacles.

PMS makes me bitchy, wanna make something of it?

Yeah, Ok, I forgot again how depressed and irritable pms makes me. DUH

Anyway, D and I ended up laying down together and watching Sat. Night Live together, a re-run but at least we were snuggling. This morning D and D jr made a batch of soap! Since we didn't know D jr was going to be here, we didn't dye eggs or anything, so I suggested soap making and they fell for it! They made a blue batch w/black swirls and scented with "Poison", can't wait to cut it.

In honor of Easter I told D jr that the Easter Bunny left his basket at the 60% off sale at Walgreen's so we'll be heading out for some candy in a bit. All in all, it's turning out to be a good day, even though it's 1:30 pm and I'm still in my jammies. Wait, maybe that's WHY it's a good day.

I love you internet

D and I just finished a fabulous dinner with Mrs. Honey and her husband. We were both looking forward to being alone in the house for the first time in a week. Well, instead of getting to spend time together, we came home to a grouchy as hell D jr. He got stood up by his friends. He is being such an ass. What does D do? Goes right into the living room, plops himself down on the couch and becomes immersed in whatever is on. As usual. Drown out the entire world with the boob tube. They will sit, in silence and watch ANYTHING, doesnt' matter what it is. D jr has watched "Malibu's Most Wanted" about five times this week. The movie wasn't even good the first time. I just don't understand.
So, here I am again, alone with the internet on a Saturday night. I love you internet, you spend more time with me than my husband.

Thursday Night Fun

Last night D and I were bored so we decided to go waste 2 1/2 hours in the ER and have my foot xray. It was a rollicking good time. The closest ER to the house is in a small town that borders the big city in which we reside. First of all, you know you're in trouble when the town's funeral home is across the street from the Hospital. There weren't many cars in the parking lot so I thought it would go quick. haha! I spent much of the time in the waiting room driving D insane by cracking one liners at the news. My favorite of the night? After a story about a zoo holding an Easter Egg Hunt for their Gorilla's, I said "Awww...doesn't just make you think of Jesus?" D didn't get it, had to 'splain it to him this morning. Get it, Easter's supposedly about Jesus but they are giving Easter eggs to Gorilla's...get it? Get it? Ok, well I thought it was funny.
Another funny thing about last night was the guy in the cubicle area next to mine who'd cut his finger with a circular saw. He and his wife were making chili jokes, it was totally cracking everyone up.

Anyway, we found out I do indeed have a broken foot. I fractured my distal fibula. But, the Dr. said everything I've been doing (elevating, wrapping with ace bandage, putting weight on it, whining incessantly) is the best possible treatment for it. I didn't even get any good pain meds out of the deal.

D. is off the hook now

CNN.com - Officials: Diner�finds finger in chili - Mar 24, 2005

Ok, now I'm GLAD he forgot to bring home my dinner

Thanks everyone

Thanks for all the comments everyone! Your sympathy is doing the trick. My ankle is less swollen today and easier to walk on. I was worried that it might be broken but I think it's just a bad sprain!

I talked to D. this morning about how neglected I've been feeling, we'll see if anything changes.

Oh and N.'s having a problem with stealing that's really bugging me. She thinks if her friends work somewhere, it's ok for them to give her free shit from their jobs (free tanning, a $15 pair of sunglasses, free food). To me that's stealing, what do ya'll think? Last night she said "well, at least it's not as bad as the shit YOU were doing at my age" and I thought for a second and said "actually, it's worse, all I was doing was drinking alot, I really wasn't breaking the law or anything". She looked very surprised at my response. Usually her dad excuses everything she does on the basis of "it's not as bad as what I was doing at that age".

The fishing trip

D's been gone since 5:30 am with his son & brother in law. I hadn't heard from him since 7:00 am so I decide to give him a ring. Is it some kind of law that you have to act like a TOTAL SHITHEAD if your wife calls during your fishing trip? Is it MY fault they haven't caught any damn fish? I didn't think so!
So, I hung up on his ass and now he's not answering his phone. I have no clue what time he'll be home and I DON'T CARE! I think I'll call my sister and see if she wants to go eat pho with me tonight.

Gathering Sympathy

Yep, I need some love



I had to darken the pic a bit, my skin is too white

Wouldn't you be mad

If you were sick and had a sprained ankle and your husband went to the store and came home with all the wrong stuff for you (but managed to get all the junk food the store sells for himself and his kids) and also stopped by Wendy's and all you wanted was a small chili and he throws you the bag and there's no chili in it, nothing for you, but everyone else got their food, wouldn't you be mad, too?

Excuse me if I seem distracted

I sprained my ankle last night! I was chasing Patchouli in the back yard and turned my ankle in a hole the dogs had dug last year. It hurts like a bitch but isn't nearly as black and swollen as it should be for the amount of pain I'm in. I like sympathy.
I also got sunburned yesterday, totally by accident. We ate breakfast on the patio and I got sunburnt on my shoulders.
Oh, and I'm not totally over my cold yet. So, I feel like crap. I came into work an 1 1/2 late because I could sleep last night. Of course we're busy as hell.
I'm going to try to make the rounds and read everyone's blogs today but I'm not sure I'll have time. I hope everyone else's day goes better than mine has so far!

Bitterness only hurts the kids

For now, I'm leaving blogger comments. I may try to do like Rusty did and add both. Hope I don't inconvenience anyone, I know blogger comments can be a bitch.

Friday night we walked N. out onto the field for half-time. It went really well, they had flowers for us to give her and each girl had something read about her that she'd prepared. They all had something funny and N.'s was that she wanted 10 kids! But, N. also had them read something along the lines of "N. wants her mom and dad to know that she loves them very much and appreciates all they do for her". See, N.'s mom had PROMISED she would be there to watch and N. wanted her to hear that. Only, she didn't make it. N. was heartbroken. D. Jr. jumped to his mom's defense "It's not her fault, she had a housefull of people". I kept my mouth shut while thinking that she certainly could have excused herself long enough to keep her promise and she didn't have to have a house full of company, she invited them. N. cried about her mom missing it and there was nothing I could say to make her feel better. I wish I was her mom so she'd be happy that I was there and not sad that her mom wasn't. We let her spend Friday night at R.'s house because she was just so sad and hell, she's 18 anyway, so why not?

HELP!!!

I installed Haloscan for comments and all my old comments dissappeared
HELP!!!

Screw it, I hate change anyway! Haha, how do I look in pink?

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Whipped Cream

J posted about whipped cream and "the girls" and I remembered something funny.

I used to have this very air headed roomate with big boobs. One night her & I and our boyfriends got drunk or high or something and we decided to put whipped cream on our boobs and lie on the bed and then call the boys in. Well, we did, and they came in and suddenly started cracking up laughing, which made us laugh. The whipped cream melted and we washed it off and got dressed. And that is the closest I ever came to "group sex"

18 and other things

N. turned 18 yesterday. I'm reminded of what my mom wrote on my brother's cake for his 18th birthday, "we let you live".
What comes next? Well, I'm not sure, for one, D. called the school about a letter we got that N. still hadn't made up her hours, and the VP says N. never came to talk to her so no make up hours she's done will count. Whether she's actually done any or not remains to be seen. It's ultimately up to her if she wants to graduate or go to summer school. She went to IHOP with her friends for breakfast yesterday, before we were even up and one of them blogged that she didn't' get to school 'till 3rd period so it sounds like N. is still cutting class. (I love being a spy)

What does her being 18 mean as far as rules? Not sure there, either. We've really slacked off on the whole curfew thing. She still has to be in by 10 but we don't really care if R's here after that. I have to say, I really like R. I found out why they broke up. One of N's friends wrote her brother a note about how R never lets her do anything with her friends and her brother showed the note to her mom and her mom showed it to R! Her mom really pisses me off! What the hell business is it of hers anyway?

Speaking of her mom pissing me off, tonight we walk N out on the field during half time. It's the last soccer game of the year. Her mom isn't even going to the game, she's going to play bingo instead. N said last night "now, you know you're walking with me and dad, right" Later D commented "there's a special place in heaven for parents" and I replied "guess I won't be seeing you there" and N said "shut the hell up". It was so touching!

What stories we could tell

A Gag Reflex

I was reading Cori's blog and thinking of my own life, what stories I could tell in my blog. Would you like the story of my father abandoning us? My mother's busy life leaving us alone much of the time? The story of my first drink, my first kiss, my first fuck? Would you like to hear about the older men, the younger me? The drinking, the drugs, the insanity? The mohawk, the skinheads? The marriage, the divorce, the secrets that lie in between those two words?


For now there are so many stories I can't or won't tell...I just have today.

Going to bed mad

D's daughter T. called last night and put him on a HUGE guilt trip for not calling more often, complete with tears. After listening to him apologize for 25 minutes I lost it. When he got off the phone I said "what is this, put daddy on a guilt trip night?"
He got pissed off at me and we got into a fight. I did the best thing I know how to do and went to bed. Of course when we got up this morning, he apologized.
That old saying about never go to bed mad is just not true for my marriage. If we stay up, we end up saying really hateful things.

63 Days

I found this blog through Genetic Mishap, it's very powerful, read it from the begining

Questions

N. came home last night and told her dad that her two sisters were mad at him because he never calls them. Do they pick up the phone? Hell no! Whose responsibility is it to stay in touch once kids are grown, the parent or the child or both? I call my mom sometimes, sometimes she calls me. I would NEVER get mad at her if I hadn't' heard from her, I'd just pick up the damn phone!

N. turns 18 tomorrow. I think it'd be cute to have a card with 18 lottery tickets in it for her, since 18 is legal age to play. What do ya'll think?

Pouring salt into an open wound

AA is supposed to be my safe place. It's where I go to recharge, to reconnect, to get better.
Tonight it was where I got to sit and listen to statements like "a mother carries a child under her heart for 9 months and in her heart forever" and "there is no other love on earth like a mother's love" and "no one knows the love a mother feels except another mother" and "I won't listen to any s.o.b. telling me to quit enabling my child if they aren't a mother"

I can't escape this pain.

Clearing something up

I would never, ever, never not consider D's feelings in making a decision that will affect our lives. I don't think anything will come of my conversation about the child anyway, I just spoke without thinking.
I fell in love with D and married him knowing he didn't want more children. At the time, I foolishly thought his kids would fill the empty spot in my heart. But, they already having a mom and a dad that love them, I'm just an "extra".
So, the empty feeling will probably always be there for me. I'm trying best I can to deal with it, to "look on the bright side" to accept the lot in life that I CHOSE. It's just more painful on some days than others.

Sad again

Maybe I shouldn't read infertility blogs. I feel so connected to the one's I read, but they move on, they get pregnant, they adopt, their stories change. Mine stays and will stay the same. Nothing will change for me.

I tried to talk to D. about how I feel and he just.doesn't.get.it. He says things like "a child would take up to much of our time" or "we're finished raising kids". We'll actually, no, YOU are finished, I never got the chance to start.

I talked to the wife of one of D's motorcycle club members on Saturday. Her neice has two kids, an 8 yr old girl and an almost 3 year old son. The neice is drugging and not taking care of her kids. Their is a lot of debate going on in her family about who can take the kids in. Right now a sister has them but, the family thinks the son might be autistic and no one wants to raise him. I told her "I'll raise him, I'll take him" without even thinking twice. She said that was good to know. She's going to Minesotta this week and the family is going to try to figure out what to do.

I know what D.'s reaction will be "NO WAY". I don't know why I ever said anything to her. I'm so damn sad now.

You gotta fight for your right....to PARTY!

If they hadn't all just shown up at my birthday surprise party, I'd think most of my friends didn't really like me much. I threw a bridal shower for one of the gals from our group yesterday and so many people who said they were coming didn't show, it was pitiful. I mean, come on people, I planned on you being there, bought food for you being there, etc and you can't even call to say you're not going to make it? RUDE

We did have a fun time, the guys played domino's while we played our silly shower games. The funniest part was that, unbeknownst to the bride, I had the guys write down stuff she said during the shower that would be a double entendre' on the wedding night. They gave us their presentation at the end of the shower. "I didn't get it all over his face (said while feeding each other cake" won hands down. We were rolling on the floor over that one.

All in all, it was a success, in spite of the poor attendance. We had people in the house from 3:30-8:30 which is WAY longer than I planed but I guess they were having too much fun to leave.

Emerald is gone

Emerald

I'll never understand why children die, why some get miracles and some do not.

Long Day

Wow, what a long but wonderful day. First we went out to an NA group's picnic for their anniversary. Man they had good burgers! Then we took N. to get her hair done for her birthday gift, we haven't seen it yet, she said it's too short. I spent $125! and she doesn't like it?
Anyway, she rode on the bike with her dad and I followed in the car with her two friends. Then we dropped them off got on the bike and went back to the picnic. When we got there, the motorcycle club guys wanted to ride, so ride we did. It was like 85, clear and beautiful. A little windy but otherwise perfect.
I got sunblock in my eye, it's been watering and burning for HOURS. My eyes are bloodshot and I look like hell, but we had a great day.

J. Cracks me up

Daily Mishaps: Awww, they care.

Here's a link to her post with theories as to why comments aren't working.

J. I love you!

To whoever is doing this search

Yahoo! Search Results for "pregnant at 15" "got drunk"


Honey, I am so sorry, I hope you can find someone to talk to and make good choices for your future now

My thoughts are important, damn it!

This not being able to comment thing is driving me batty! I have a NEED to inject my opinion, to make my presence known, to let my blogging friends know I'm there, reading, thinking of them, waiting to give my opinion or support on any and everything they do.

Blogger, please let me post comments, please quit telling me the blog I want to comment on is "not found"....


Ken, the xerox lady has a crush on you

YT, I'm glad he called, have fun on your trip and yeah, no baby!

J, girl I wanna see a picture of that hair and Miles is growing up!

Pilates kicked my ass

My mom got me (at my request) a Pilates for beginners video. OH MY GOD!!!!!! I'm in really bad shape. I had no clue how bad until I tried these simple exercises. Wow!
I'm going to alternate between DDR, Pilates and rollerskating, moving my body in some way every day. I refuse to get old and decrepit, I'm going to strengthen my body before it's too late!

P.S. Blogger is really pissing me off! I want comments to start working again NOW!

It's a small world after all

what if?

I found this blog today by linking to a google that found my site.
I know that I must know her from my soapmaking forum 'cause I've seen her website before. The very strange part is that we have the same birthday! So, she's bloging from an overweight soapmaker born on March 8th point of view and so am I!

In other news BLOGGER TOTALLY SUCKS ASS! I haven't been able to comment or post since this morning. I had so many witty remarks, too!

J. what those damn frat boys did to you deserves way worse than your revenge!

DDR

Dance, Dance Revolution is a hit! I went through the lesson mode last night, I'm getting better. But, the best part is....D. tried it and he liked it and he was very, very good at it. My D.'s got the beat!

Pining for West Texas

My boss took me to lunch for my birthday today! (Better late than never). And we got to talking about how windy it is which lead to a conversation about West Texas.
I used to go to a Baptist encampment (later I would drink a wine by the same name every night and laugh at the irony) at the end of July every year with my ex-husbands family. It was half way between Marfa (yes, I have seen the Marfa lights) & Alpine. We'd go to Pecos to pick up his grandmother on the way out. We went to Monahans, Balmorahea, Fort Davis, the McDonald Observatory and some years we'd drive down to the Rio Grande.
I really miss that part of Texas, I haven't been in 8 years.

Never play poker with a group of sober alcoholics

I was lied to on so many levels, by so many people yesterday it's mind boggling. First there was D., he totally tricked me on my gift, it WAS Dance, Dance Revolution! I'm so hyped about that, I wanted to play last night but there just wasn't time.
He kept referring to the "romantic dinner" he had planned so I assumed he had something great up his sleeve. But, first we had to go up to the group so he could chair the 6. Well, about 10 minutes into it, I start harassing D. about my birthday cake. I just knew he didn't get one and couldn't stop myself from teasing him a little. I said "oh, I know any minute now V. is going to walk in here with the cake you ordered from her". He looked so sad when I said that and said "honey, I didn't remember about a cake." Well, V. did walk in with a cake, right then! I got so excited and then D. said "honey, I didn't order one" and V. said it was just a cake she brought so we could be her guinea pigs and test her new frosting recipe, she didn't even know it was my birthday. I thought, oh, well at least I get cake!
Then, after the meeting, ST & R left w/out even saying hello to me. I starting trying to figure out if I'd pissed them off and kept whinnying to D. about it. He said they had to go to another meeting for a friend and couldn't stay.
D. and I had talked about going to Chili's on my birthday, since he had a gift card, but when he kept dropping hints about the "romantic dinner" I started expecting a surprise. Nope, he drove right up to Chili's. I couldn't help but show my disappointment, Chili's isnt' romantic, Chili's is where you go with a group of friends.
We went in and D. got our name on the list, there was a big wait, which was weird for a Tuesday. At one point D. went to the bathroom and one lady said "why are there so many here on a Tuesday" and I said "well...I don't think they are all here for my birthday".
D. kept getting up and talking to the host, I told him to quit bugging the guy or we'd never get a table. Then, D. gets a phone call, goes outside, then comes back in, grabs me by the hand and starts walking me through the restaurant. We turn the corner and there are all my friends and MY MOM!
My sneaky ass husband, sister and friends totally surprised me. What a great party it was. I'm still in shock. There were balloons and presents and cake!
There were many, many lies told leading up to this event and many of my friends were involved and NO ONE gave it away. Damn good bunch of liars they all are.

Oh yeah....

Yes, today is my birthday. I've mentioned it several times this week at work, even told them my sister took me to lunch yesterday because she'll be in school today, on my birthday. So far, not one person has said a word about it. It's definitely not J's cubicle full of toilet paper around here!
I'm kinda in a funk anyway so maybe it's good they forgot (or don't care).

Breastfeeding a cat?

Last night, I dreamt, in vivid detail, that I had to breast feed a cat. Want to analyse that for me?

Lunch

My sister just took me to lunch. She's got school tommorow so she took me today for my birthday. It was delicious. We went to Luby's. I had fish with almond on it and fire roasted veggies and sweet potato's and a roll. I also got that lime jello with the pineapple, cottage cheese and nuts in it but I was too full to eat it.
We had a good visit, she gave me some good advice about some AA stuff (yesterday was the Steering Committee meeting from hell and I've decided not to run again, I can't take the b.s. anymore, it's distracting me from getting the full benefit of meetings, so that was officially my last steering committee meeting, even if D. runs again, I'm not going to). I love my sister.

Emerald

This beautiful little girl is the daughter of one of the ladies who posts on my soap making forum.

We've known for a while that her cancer was terminal but thought there was more time. The family was told by hospice this morning that Emerald will probably pass in the next few hours.

If you pray, please pray they have strength to get through this. When D's sister died it was ugly and painful, not peaceful and serene like you see on tv. I'm praying that Emerald's passing will be peaceful. I'm so full of sadness for them.

Losing the anger

I just read this post by TertiaSo Close: Losing the anger about the anger of infertility.
It reminded me of something D. did this weekend. See, N.'s 18 yr old cousin just had a baby (by a 38 yr old married man who hasn't even seen the child). Yesterday was the baby shower. N, being her typical teenaged self had no gift to bring so I suggested D. take her up to Albertsons for a gift so she didn't arrive empty handed. ('cause I'm cool like that). They bought a few things and N. went off to the shower.
Later that day, I'm straightening up around the house and run across a long cash register receipt. I asked D. what it was and he said "oh, some coupons from Albertson's, thought you might want them." So, I look and they are for formula and diapers. I looked at D. and said "oh, thank you, there's something I'LL NEVER need to buy". WTF??? He claims he didn't even look at the coupons, which I'm sure is true, but geez, how infuckingsensitive can a man be?
Yes, I'm still angry over being infertile. I guess I always will be. And I'm completely powerless, which always sucks. The worst part is, who do I direct the anger towards? My husband, who I married knowing he wanted no more kids? My ex? The infertility specialist we saw who couldn't get us knocked up? GOD? Myself?

Baby got back?

I went roller skating today while D. went to get my birthday present. I finally settled on a gift I really want, Dance, Dance Revolution. It's this video game with a mat that you try to do the steps on the mat that they show on screen to earn points. Good exercise and fun. The weirdo lady across the street made us play at her daughter's birthday party last summer. I decided it would help me lose weight. So, I tell D. that's what I want and of course, that's not what he got me. I'm not sure what he got, but he said he has to pick up part of it in his truck? N. said "well, it'll be good for dad if he does it with you". I hope it's not an exercise machine or something like that. N. said she wasn't sure I'd like it. Great
In other news, while at the roller rink, we were talking to the kid that works there (the one whose dad I had a crush on) and requesting songs when a new song came on and he said to me "I played this one for you". It was "Baby got back", which I don't, I got plenty of front but no back, plus, shit this kid is 15! What the fuck? I'm hoping like hell he meant that he played it for me 'cause it's retro? Very weird moment.

Remember when I said I was sick?

I've been *almost* sick about 50 times this winter, sore throat or cough or stuffed up head one day but better the next. Over and over again. Well all those almosts have just converged into one big head cold. My nose is running like a sieve. I have the tendancy to blow it on whatever I can find (as in rough napkins or paper towels) so it is as red as Rudolph. I keep sneezing, too.
I convinced everyone to go for Chinese tonight (thanks, J. for the idea, stupid blogger won't let me comment on your blog) so that I could get hot & sour soup. It was hot but I couldn't taste it, couldn't taste the hot tea or the crab rangoon's either. (D. ate all 6 of them by himself). The egg foo young was good, I think, at least it had texture if not actual taste, even with the hot mustard and chili sauce I put on it.
We were supposed to go to N.'s soccer game but D. wouldn't go, he said the night air would be bad for me. N. was really dissapointed. We had a long talk with her after school today, I doubt much will change but we tried. She said R. broke up with her but they were together tonight after her game so whatever, she probably just said it so we wouldn't get on to her about the money.
Poor kid's just scared to death to grow up. How well I remember that feeling.
She told us tonight, well actually R. brought it up, that on the 18th the soccer seniors get walked onto the field by their parents. Her mother has refused to walk with D. down there. She is such a selfish bitch, she won't even do this for N.'s sake. They don't have to talk to each other, just walk with N.
When N's sister got married, their mother guilted T. into having her walk T. down the aisle instead of her father. D. was crushed and T. was so upset and torn, not knowing what to do. Their mother is so damn selfish sometimes I want to shake her!

I can't be surprised

A friend of mine just called my job. She said "I need your address because I want to send an employee some flowers", I guess she didn't know it was me since I've got a cold. I said "Ch. don't you dare send me flowers, that's too much money"!
She was soooo mad at me for ruining her surprise by answering the phone. I said "Ch. that's what I do here, I'm the one who always answers the phone."
I talked her out of the flowers, we're going to do something fun together instead, but wow, wasn't that sweet of her? She was going to send them next week on my birthday. After reading J's post about 2 flower deliveries in one week I wish I'd pretended not to recognize her voice. But, I know her financial situation and I did the right thing by talking her out of sending them. Still, what a sweet thought. I feel special.

I love stress at bedtime

N. has known for about 6 weeks now that at the end of February, she had to get the tags on her car renewed. We've reminded her weekly to make sure she saved her money. In addition to her big 4 hour a week job, she also got a tax refund. You can see where this is heading.....last night D. asked her for the money so he could go get the tags (truck is still in his name) and of course, she didn't have it. Not only that but "daddy, I don't know where my money went" with tears. She not only can't pay her tags but she didn't have all of her insurance $ either.
I'm so frustrated with D. I feel like he needs to help her grow up by teaching her some responsibility, giving some consequences for her actions. He said "well, she won't drive the truck until she gets the tags." I reminded him that we had said she wouldn't drive the truck if she couldn't pay her insurance, so even if she gets the tags, she's still not driving it.
Lately, N. doesn't even check in after school, she's gone until 10, then when R. comes over (she gets out of school at 10), N. sits in R.'s car until god only knows what time because we've both fallen asleep by then. I'm so sick of this. I don't run a motel or laundry mat. D. got pissed at me for saying to N. "well, obviously paying for your tags was not a priority to you". He said when I say anything to her, it makes her resent me. I told him, point blank, "I don't give a fuck if she resents me. I only tell her the truth, sorry if she doesn't like it. She's proven by her actions that she doesn't respect me or my home, so why should I care if she resents me?"
I had hoped, after the fun we had at the roller rink, that the old N. was going to return, but, alas, it didn't happen. She graduates from high school at the end of May. I asked D. if he had any discussions with her about what she plans to do, then I told him she wasn't living with us if she wasn't working full time or going to school. I'm not going to support a lazy teenager, sorry, I'm just not doing it. He got pissed off at me when I said that. I really don't understand how that man thinks!
Of course, getting my heart rate up at bed time fucks my sleep up, so I'm exhausted today.

Angels and bunnies????

Since my birthday is only 5 days away (see Ken, another hint) a friend was asking what I collect, I assume for a gift idea. As I was thinking about it, I realized the fact that I collect angels and bunnies is ironic considering my past. I guess I'm not so hardcore after all.

I also realized I have no idea what I really want for my birthday, no wonder D. has such a hard time getting me gifts. I expect him to know something fabulous to get me and I don't even know.

Dreams

Sometimes, when we are fighting, D. can be mean. I know, hard to believe, but it's true. I'm sure I can be mean, too. In fact I know I can.
Of course, D. and I haven't been fighting lately, so I'm not sure why I had such horrible dreams. All night I dreamt of D. being mean, saying hateful, hurtful things. It was horrible. I woke up in a funk. I'm sure glad my dreams never come true.

Seriously tired of broccoli

Why does every diet tv dinner I eat have broccoli as the side dish? Healthy Choice, Lean cuisine, haven't you folks access to any other vegetable? I like broccoli as much as the next guy but geez, how 'bout some variety. According to Healthy Choice, broccoli is the appropriate side dish for every thing from chicken parmisagn to Sweet & Sour. I want some carrots, some cauliflower, some spinach even.

Honey, I need money

We are broke, flat broke, busted. All the bills always end up being due at the same time and the electric bill was twice as high as normal. Plus, I just got those plane tickets to see my sister. So...my birthday is one week from today and D. has no money to buy me a present.
I made the mistake our first year together of telling him I didn't want anything for my birthday. Guess what he got me? Yep, nothing! He's really not the greatest present getter anyway. When we were dating, he'd leave cards and small gifts in my car for me on his way home from work. I'd get off work and find ballons, nail polish, a card or whatever. It was sweet but he'd always do stuff like buy the same bubble bath 3 times in a row or the same shade of nail polish, without realizing it.
Both my ex's were excellant gifters and look how that turned out. So, I try not to get my hopes up to much. But, my mom made birthdays so special, she spoiled me for the real world. I'd love to think I'm going to get this great birthday, like J. had. I'm jealous of her. I don't have friends like that.
So, I really want a thoughtful gift from D. I don't want to have to tell him what to get me. But, I will probably be dissapointed. Plus, we are broke so he doesn't have access to funds for a gift. *SIGH*

No more shoes?

Sources: Federated to buy May - Feb. 27, 2005

Federated is buying May Department Stores. Foley's, my favorite source of shoes for many, many years, will become Macy's. What will happen to my shoes? A couple weeks ago, I mournfully discarded approximately 50 pair of old, worn out or no longer fashionable shoes. I'm down to exactly 20 pairs now. I have NO summer shoes at all. What am I going to do? Will Macy's shoes be as good? Will they have the same fantastic 75% off sales?