auld lang syne

One of my former bosses just called. My current boss is getting a bid from him.
I worked at a kitchen equipment manufacturer from 1993-1998, then I quit my job, sold my house and moved in with A. at 9 months sober. Great plan, huh?
Fast forward to summer 1999, I'm desperately trying to get back here, can't get my old job back so I get a job with a former customer. A relatively good job, lots of b.s. but it was where I met Mrs. Honey, so it was a good place to work at the time.
Only, I wasn't satisfied, auld lang syne was calling. So, I dial up my old boss and end up getting my job back. Only he failed to mention how CRAPPY they were doing. I knew the first day that I made a mistake. I held on to the bitter end, 11 months. Even though Mrs. Honey hooked me up with an interview where she worked, I guess I was hoping something would change and the old times would return.
The company failed, 41 years in business, boom, gone. All employees were offered a job at a competitors company. We all went and slowly got picked off, one by one. My turn came on my 91st day. The official term used was "laid off" but I was fired. It was an utter and complete surprise. One day the owner was talking about my new office, the next he was firing me. He had had me training his fresh out of college daughter for the shipping department and he gave her my job. All those years of experience didn't mean shit to him. He didn't like my attitude (and frankly, I didn't like his). I strongly suspect my boss that I loved knew what was comming and failed to give me the heads up. He never contacted me afterwards and I thought we were tight. So, anyway, H. just called. He wasn't my boss for long, just a couple of those years, but he was always nice to me. I never felt as close to him as I did my first boss. He's still with the company that fired me, has in fact been promoted, but he doesn't like his job much. That made me feel a lot better for some reason. I miss my old job, the power of it, being a woman in the metal industry was sometimes very fun. I worked there for all those years and I NEVER hear from any of them, I thought they were my family, boy did I learn that lesson the hard way.
My current job isn't near as exciting, but there is almost no stress and that is a blessing!

Mundane Monday

D. found the cigarette case. It was under the pool deck. Our guess is either the ghost or one of the dogs got ahold of it. Probably the dogs, even though they were on the other side of the electric fence the whole time.
I had to work yesterday, we had plans to go to our group's birthday night but by the time I got home I was exhausted. I had to make another batch of soap for my wholesale order (I'm on batch 3 of 8 now). Then we watched "The Magic of Ordinary Days" which was just sappy enough for me. Although I got pissed off at the portrayal of the internment camps because they made it look like those girls could leave the camp whenever they wished.
I woke up this morning, still feeling tired. Checked out my throat in the mirror and saw a white speck on my tonsil. Not good! I tried my ex's old trick of using a q-tip to get it off (not for the weak stomached), it didn't work. I'm gonna gargle and drink hot tea and pray I don't get sick. D.'s big company party is Saturday and I do not want to miss it!
I have way to much work to do today, so I probably won't get to read all my favorite blogs, so if anything is happening I need to know about, leave me a comment.

A smoking ghost?

Last night, we invited ST & R over to watch the fight and hang out. We rarely ever have people over, D.'s just not into having company like I am. Anyway, we were all hanging out, munching on the good food I fixed (queso with hamburger & chips, chow chow & crackers and pineapple upside down cake) and watching the fight. ST went outside to smoke a cigarette and left her cigarettes and case on the table outside, or so she says. When she went back out to have another cigarette, they were gone!
We have looked everywhere for them. So unless R is playing a joke on her, things are getting very weird around here!

Broken Glass

I found a piece of glass on the kitchen floor this morning. The floor that has been swept and mopped many times since

this

happened. It's the same glass.

Check it out

The author of this blog posted in my comments so I went to check out her site.
I'm not quite sure how to express what I feel after visiting her site. Death is a subject we all like to avoid, but let's face it, it's going to happen to us all, unless the rules change.

I had a dream

I had the strangest dream last night. The gist of it was that all these people we didn't know kept coming over at strange hours and we blamed N. and grounded her. In the dream, the people were delivery guys because it turned out N. was throwing us a big surprise party for our 20th wedding anniversary. We felt so bad about grounding her we cried all the way through the party. Of course, when we do get to our 20th anniversary, N. will be well past the age where we can ground her for anything. Very strange.
I think the dream was due in part to me getting up around 11 to find N. still up and sitting in front of the dining room window with the blinds open. She was on the phone and was saying she wasn't going to bed because she'd seen her friends car in our neighborhood and wanted to catch them if they tried to do anything else to her truck. Doesn't anyone have a curfew for their kids anymore?

Chow chow chow

First I need to say what a great mother in law I've got. She stays out of our lives for the most part and is genuinely happy to see us when we visit. We went over there last night to take her some chow chow and visit. Every time we visit with her I talk up a blue streak. Catching her up on all the family stuff and AA stuff. She was a strong member of our group's Alanon for years and years until she became homebound. She is such a HUGE improvement over my previous mil. Thank you God!

Mama W.'s Chow Chow Recipe

1 can each of peas, green beans, corn, chinese veggies and water chestnuts, 1 jar of pimentos, 1 cup each of onion, bell pepper and celery

Combine above ingredients in a large bowl, then add 1/2 cup vegetable oil, 1/2 vinegar, 3/4 cup sugar. Marinate 24 hours. Makes about 10 cups of chow chow. Delicious on crackers, keeps for a long time in the fridge

By Request

Grandma's Tamale Pie

1 lb of pork, cubed
1/4 cup olive oil
1 cup chopped onion
1 chopped clove of garlic
1 cup cornmeal
1 cup milk
1 can corn
1 can diced tomatos (with juice)
1 can black olives (sliced)
Salt
grated cheese and sour cream (optional)

Brown pork in olive oil over medium high heat, when almost finished browning add onion and garlic, continue to cook until pork is golden brown and onions are soft
Sprinkle the cornmeal over pork/onion/garlic mixture, stir then pour milk in and stir well, cover and simmer on low heat for 15 minutes. Remove lid, stir to break up chunks, add tomatos and corn, stir well. Cover, simmer for 20 minutes. Add black olives and either spoon into cassorolle dish and bake at 350 for 20 minutes or cover and simmer for 20 minutes on stove top. Salt to taste, top with grated cheader and sour cream if you like it that way or don't if you're weird like D.

Pranked

N. and her friends have been doing some pretty shitty things to each other's cars. Shitty as in they have been smearing poop on each other's cars. Yes, I kid you not. That is where all these stupid tv shows have gotten us. Shitting on each other's cars. Really funny, huh?
N.'s truck has already been shat on once but apparently the pranksters weren't finished with her. This morning she had what appeared to be mayo spread all over her windows. So, even though D. had to go talk to the councilor about N.'s poor attendance yesterday (and I had to explain what was going on to N.'s mom last night. I said N.'s been skipping 1st & 2nd period. D. got pissed at me for saying N. was skipping school. Oh, ok, what else do you call it when you don't go to class?)
I don't think N.'s going to make it to school on time today, either.

Unfair distribution of labor

I got off work last night determined to get some things accomplished and I did.
I made dinner, tamale pie, my grandma's recipe, it was so good. Then I made some vegetable chow chow stuff that D.'s mom taught me how to make. It has to marinate for 24 hours but I think it's going to be good. Then my sister came over and helped me make the first batch of soap for my wholesale order. It will be ready to cut about the time the chow chow is ready to eat. After my sister left I crocheted on my scarf for awhile.
D. sat on the couch and watched tv.

Losing My Religion

Before I got sober, I taught Sunday School at a church run by my then husband's brother in law. It was a small church at an apartment complex and most of the members were under 12. We had Wed. night and Sunday church and the kids got fed so their folks sent them to us. My drinking got so bad I had to have a drink before church. That's bad. I quit going to Bible Study Fellowship because of my drinking and the things I was doing. I'd been hurt badly by several church people, so we quit going to "regular" church and started helping at the apartment church instead. I wasn't learning or growing spiritually at all. In fact, I started to go backwards. I lost faith through a series of events, somewhat similar to the way I'd gained faith to begin with.
1. my stepdad got cancer, church told us if we prayed hard enough he wouldn't die, he did
2. INFERTILITY- no amount of prayer fixed that!
3. distance between myself and husband widened
4. found out hubby had lied to many about many things
5. lost faith in my marriage
6. began drinking, smoking and cheating on him, all in one night
7. GUILT
8. daily drinking
9. Loss of faith or at least loss of belief that I deserved God's love

So, I got to AA and they said "god of your own understanding". What a blessing. But, still, what do I understand about God today? I'm just not sure.

D. and I both have "issues" with Christianity as preached by 99.99% of churches. It's hard to find something that meshes, even partially with my beliefs. I'm not sure what I am. I took a quiz online at belief.net and the number one match for me was Orthodox Jew. I'm tolerant of others, have a hard time with hard line Christian beliefs that there is only one path to God, have trouble with the whole "everything happens for a reason, God only gives you what you can handle, etc" line of thinking. Even prayer gives me problems because I don't think God's going to change his mind about the ultimate fate of the universe or even some small detail of life, just because I ask him to.
Complicated mess of beliefs is what I've got, I'm hoping that finding a place of worship where I can feel comfortable and perhaps learn something will help straighten me out.

Slice of life

On the way home Sunday morning, D. got a call from a guy he sponsors that Patchouli boy was not doing well. He was depressed and threatening suicide. In our circle, suicide threats are taken very seriously. Last year D. was one of the last people to speak to one guy who took his own life, his wife blamed D. which is ridiculous, but some of the "what could I have done differently" feelings still linger.
So, we are 200 miles from home and get the call. D. did what he could, he called Patchouli boy (PB), made him promise to go to a friends, made him promise to call him when he got there, etc.
Then we waited and prayed, and waited and waited. We called, we left messages. We got scared. We drove straight to PB's apartment, we'd never been there and our friends weren't sure which one was his but we saw his truck and figured it out. We stood outside the door, totally uncertain and scared about what would be on the other side of the door. We knocked, a man answered and asked "who is it". D. told him and asked if PB was there...my heart was beating so fast....then PB came to the door. His eyes were swollen almost shut, he'd cried himself to sleep. I've never felt such overwhelming relief. PB hugged D. for a long time, then hugged me.
Thank you God

11 more steps

D. and I both came to an awful realization this weekend. Something I'd been joking about is actually true for both of us.

It happened like this. We went away for the weekend. We got a cool book on cd to listen to on the drive, I'd packed candles & bubble bath, he was going to make steaks. Everything was set. Until that awful urge set in and we headed to Shreveport on Saturday to gamble. On the way there, we did stop at a neat old house/museum for a tour and talk with the curator, something I never expected D. to be interested in. He was especially fascinated by the Dr.'s old medicine bottles, morphine, laudanum, etc. An ex addict never changes some things, we laughed about it.
But, the casino experience, well....let's just say there were a lot of promises to myself broken. We didn't spend every penny we've got but we spent more than I told myself we would and we went back to the ATM 3 times! I told D. not to tell anyone about the trip, especially my sister. I was ashamed of myself.
Then it hit me. I'm addicted to gambling. The phenomena of craving was there. I get a "high" from winning. I break promises to myself, I don't stop when I say I'm going to. We left with nothing, after being up several hundred, as usual.
Now, normally we gamble, we lose, I get depressed, D. gets mad. This time, I talked to him about how I was feeling and he was realizing the exact same things about himself. We talked for hours. We're going to look for a church, we both feel that AA isn't enough for our spirituality anymore. We talked about what we want in a church. We don't want to be the richest or poorest, the most or the least tattoo'd, the only bikers, etc. We just want to fit in.
We talked and talked about changes we need to make in our lifestyle. Mature things like not blowing every penny we earn. It was great, we never got around to the candles or bubble bath bur our marriage was renewed just the same.
Now, we've done the 1st step on gambling, only 11 more to go.

Good news

Little sister's going to be ok. She has some sort of cysts which the Dr. can drain in his office. Not fun, but not horrible, either.

I was in a great mood, of course, then the phone rang. It was D.'s ex-wife. She was concerned that if D. jr. didn't come this weekend, we'd hold her in contempt of court. Good Lord woman, the boy is 16 for god's sake. If he doesn't want to come, we aren't going to force him. I didn't update, he called and told D. he had a weight lifting tournament, turns out he was lying about it because he didn't want to come to the resort with us unless he could bring a friend. D's ex said "it's boring for him if he's by himself" which is b.s. he always has a blast hanging out with his dad, but whatever.
That was the very first time I ever talked to her other than to say "No, N.'s not here, I'll tell her you called". I think I handled her well.

Please pray or light a candle or send a positive thought

To my little sister. I just got this email from her

Okay, so I’m not going to contribute to the Make "Spit's" Day Better Foundation here, but I want to let you know what’s going on. I have a tumor in my neck. I don’t know a whole lot at the moment, but I’m meeting with a surgeon at 2:30 today. I got an ultrasound of it on Tuesday, and the plan was to have it biopsied after that. But then the surgeon decided to skip the biopsy. I don’t know why he wants to skip it, since it’s the usual thing to do, but I’m trying to see it as an improvement on the previous plan, because sooner is better than later to get this thing out. I think (according to my P.A. and the websites I’ve looked at) that they’ll remove my whole thyroid and the tumor at the same time, since the tumor is pretty big, and then they’ll biopsy the tissue they remove. Zoinks. I’m really scared. (husband) has been amazing, as usual, and he’s going to the surgeon with me. My boss is being supportive, too.
I’ll let you know what the surgeon says. Maybe he’ll say, Gee, you look so good with a big bulge in your neck! Let’s just leave it there! A girl can dream . . .

She's so far away and I just want to be there with her

I just thought I was having a bad day

Enough about me, I went over to Cecily's blog and saw that she had someone commenting on her post, telling her that her agonizing, life changing, gut wrenching hell of a decision to have a partial birth abortion to save her own life was wrong and that her son, who she so desperately wanted, at 22 weeks gestation, could have survived.

Why people? Why?

Judicious use of the word 'fuck' and taking the Lord's name in vain, too!

Don't read this unless you don't mind a major rant. And please...no chin up, things will get better crap ass comments.

Today sucked

First I had to deal with a huge accounting mess leftover by the girl who I replaced. I had to use tact and not tell her what I really thought because I need her to help me with the taxes. Let's just say she used some very questionable accounting.
I printed all the payroll checks upside down.
I'm still sick.
D. Decided to invite his son on our "romantic" weekend.
I decided to make a meeting for the first time this week. I walked in the door and got chewed out by two different people about the new phone list. One person bitched because it hadn't been a year since the last one was put out. What the fuck? Really shit head, just don't grab a new one, ok? Then another person bitched because I didn't have his new number on the list, well guess what asswipe after the list was out for 4 months on the table and you didn't' put your new number on it, it ain't gonna be on there. I try to call the girl I'm using as a sponsor, she had 7 teeth pulled today, can't talk.
Then D. made me go get him coffee while the girl who has decided he has a crush on her and I'm jealous was in the coffee room. She wanted to talk, I said after the meeting, please, I really need this.
So, I try to share, only D. thinks it'll be funny to make a face behind my back and everyone starts laughing, his ex girlfriend laughs twice as hard as anyone else and I have no idea why everyone is laughing. I loose my train of thought. I say "I'm finished". I get up and leave the building. I sit in the alley, in the dark, in the cold, by myself for 20 minutes. D. doesn't bother to check on me, NO ONE bothers to check on me. D. finally comes out and starts shit, saying I slammed the door and I embarrassed him. I lost it. We fought. He totally doesn't get why I'm so upset.
I compose myself, go back in. D's ex says "who did this phone list, why is my cell number on there". Well....because YOU PUT IT ON THE LIST!
I swear to fucking God I have no clue why I do service work. I'm the god damn assistant Secretary. ASSISTANT! And I do all the work and take all the heat.
Ok, that's not fair, the Secretary takes the minutes and tries very hard, it's just she's manic/depressive and can't do it all herself. So, I take a lot on myself.

We have to go get the February schedule from ST 'cause she tried to email it and it didn't go. I have to type it and send to Central Office. She didn't get my email, was in her pj's and her hubby was asleep on the couch. I could tell she was kinda ticked that we drove up on the loud bike. (It was only 7:30, but still).
I sobbed all the way home. We took the bike, it was freezing.
I come home, have to pay bills, correct the phone list, type the Feb. schedule, try to email it (it bounced back) decide to mess with the taxes, discover we are going to owe about $900. I've NEVER had to pay. I really thought we might get a refund. hahaha D. doesn't believe I know what I'm doing and wants to have this lady at works husband who took a class review everything. Whatever. I've been doing my own taxes for years and with Taxslayer software, you just can't mess up.
Why do we have to pay income tax on child support we pay anyway?
I really can't take anymore.

Malaise

I'm so tired of being tired. I'm beyond sleepy, I'm bone weary. I've been getting plenty of cold medicine induced sleep but I'm so exhausted. I haven't been to a meeting all week. I get off work and lie on the couch 'till bed time. I now have edema in my fingers, wedding ring that was loose yesterday is very tight today. My chest hurts. I'm not coughing much and only the occasional very painful sneeze. No fever. Just the alternating stuffed up or runny nose, the occasional sneeze series that burns my chest like fire and the occasional cough.
I got into a huge tiff with D. last night because he's not giving me enough sympathy. I'm pitiful!

Redeemed

After disgracing himself last night by completely ignoring my pleas for sympathy after I ruined my crocheted scarf I've been trying to make, cut open my thumb while slicing potatoes, splashed hot broth on my lip and eye and generally felt like shit from this cold, D. has been redeemed. He just called and sang to me. I told him he was going to Hollywood. Good thing I was the only judge.

He called back to say that Patchouli boy had been bonded out by his job. Nice employers, huh? Of course, now D. has his wallet and his jewelry, etc. D. told him to meet us at the 6 o'clock meeting. We're not above a little bribery to help our friends get this deal.

Yet another reason I hate Alcoholism

My friend Patchouli boy apparently relapsed last night, after the meeting. Got drunk, drove, went to jail. He's going to be spending some time in jail, too, 'cause he was already on probation for assault. He wants me & D. to go get his stuff, get his money and put it on his jail account tonight.
The saddest part is he's a really nice kid, attractive, intelligent, etc. Just add alcohol and he's a mess, just like the rest of us alkies.

I hit the big time

Wow, I just landed my first wholesale account. I thought I'd lost it to another soaper but they backed out. It's not a lot of money, less per bar than I've ever made but, it's volume baby!
Plus, I don't have to wrap them, that's the most work for me anyway.

200 bars every couple of months. I can handle it (I hope!)

It's a small world after all

In late 1997 I was at the lowest point I'd ever been in my life. I was hitting bottom as we call it in AA. My first attempt to reach out was online in a chat room for people in recovery. The first real life friend I made through the chatroom was K.
K. was an amazing friend, we had a ton of fun together, she was there for me in so many ways.
Unfortunately, the last couple years, we kinda lost touch. We both married wonderful guys and got busy in the "real" world. I got dsl and hardly ever logged into AOL anymore (I kept my old account because I've had that email address for 8 years now and I like it).
Well, here I am, sitting at home, trying not to give in to this cold and I log onto AOL to check my mail 'cause the dsl is crawling.
And I get an Im from K.
Wow, and get this....she had a pheo removed 2 1/2 years ago. I remembered she used to get really high bp, well that's why. What are the odds?
D. is going to trip out. He thinks he's so special, getting a rare tumor and all. She said to tell him that she bets hers was bigger than his!

K. has a condition known as RSD that she got after being in a car accident, she was hit by a drunk driver. It changed her life forever. She lost her job and since she managed apartments, she lost her home. It was horrible and I was so powerless to help her. I guess I let her tragedy seperate us. And now the RSD is in her whole body and she can't even pratice her new career (massage therapy) 'cause her hands cramp up. It's a horrible disease and after she got sick, I just wasn't there for her. I suck like that sometimes. But, she's always been in my heart and I hope she knows it. K., if you're reading this, I love you and I'm sorry I let our friendship fade away.

Reservations!

I mentioned in an earlier post how much I love to be invited. Well, there's one thing I love more than invitations and that's reservations.
A couple years ago, D. and I took a tour of a time share resort. We told ourselves before we went that weekend that under no circumstances were we going to buy. My mom got burned on a time share in the 80's and I wanted no part of it, nope, not us, we just were gonna get the free prizes and the free weekend and leave.
Yeah...ummmm....you guess it. Hook, line and sinker. And...not only did we buy but we've even upgraded since then. We now own a "red" week and bonus time every other year. That means that every 7 days in the odd numbered years, we can visit one of 7 resorts. It's free Sun-Thurs and $39 a night for Fri & Sat.
Since our home resort is close to us, we actually used our week in 2003 and had a fabulous time. We'll be using it again this year (it's in July). In the meantime, I've just made reservations for a weekend getaway for this coming weekend. For $79.90 total, D. and I will be staying in a 2 bedroom/2 bath condo (one bath is a whirlpool sauna). We originally invited ST & R. but they can't come, so it's just us. And I can't wait!
I figure since we're paying for it, why not use it? The resort is only 2 hours from here. They're gonna get sick of my face before the years over.

Retail Therapy

Well, I went shopping. As I've mentioned before, I don't like to shop. But, since it was shoes, I made an exception.
I got a pair of black, knee length motorcycle boots for $35!! Yep, last pair they had and it was my size. I also got some awesome black shoes with a silver buckle and a low heel and a pair of Tommy Hilfiger tennis shoes (the kind w/no back). Grand total $60!!
In addition to shoes, D. bought me a long sleeve Harley T and I bought some cd's at CD Warehouse. Violent Femmes, REM, The Cure and Sex Pistols.
Yep, I feel better now

Crippling despair

One of the ladies on the Childless Step Mom's message board just sent out a birth announcement. She's no longer childless. She wrote that if you dream of a child of your own to never give up.
Oh God, I just can't handle this. I want to be happy for her but I feel like I'm sinking in despair. Never give up, huh? What if you're almost 37 years old, were diagnosed as "unexplained infertility" almost 10 years ago and are married to man with 4 kids, 7 grandkids and a vasectomy, with no desire to have any more.
My heart breaks, yet again.
Every time I think I've dealt with this shit, something comes up and knocks me back down again. I have perma-sadness on this issue.
I thought when I married D. that his kids will fill my heart and I would no longer want one of my own. How very wrong I was.
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Why can't I have kids? Why am I infertile? Is it because, as one member of my church in the 90's told me, I have sin in my life? Is it because I'm not worthy, I'd be a bad mom? Because I was promiscuous at an early age? Because I sinned in a previous life?
God, I can't deal with this shit. I'm sitting here sobbing at work. I am totally unprepared for these emotions.

Nothing weird has happened today

So far anyway. I found more glass when I got home yesterday. It was covering almost every square inch of the kitchen and we still have no clue what broke!

This weekend is supposed to be cold. I'm a little concerned about how the weekend will pan out because D. and I have been fighting re: his penchant for long hours on the couch watching tv. It's boring for me, he ignores me, gets nothing done around the house, we don't go anywhere or do anything. zzzzzzzzzzz
When we got the bike, part of my reasoning was that it would get him out of the house and it worked great all spring, summer and fall. Now it's winter and it's not working anymore. I've pretty much decided to start leaving his ass at home and doing stuff by myself. Especially if he's grouchy like last weekend. Or if anymore glass gets broken around there!

Strange happenings

Last night the wind was howling through the house. I couldn't sleep because of it. I wondered how pioneers and people who live in places where the wind blows like that all the time could survive with their sanity intact. I wasn't the only one disturbed by the wind. N. told her dad around midnight that she was seeing her dead aunt. Not in her dreams this time, but wide awake, she saw her Aunt C. standing in her room.
Then, this morning, as I was leaving for work, I heard a loud crash coming from the kitchen. I ran in there to see glass covering ever square inch of tile and I have NO IDEA what broke! Whatever it was had brownish purple glass and an odd little piece that didn't break that looked like a suction cup but was made out of glass. Very strange.
Then, as I pulled out of the driveway after sweeping up all the glass, I noticed a jack o lantern resting against the neighbor's mail box post. A jack o'lantern, in January.

Reverse Psychology

N. had a soccer game on Saturday. We sat out in the cold for two hours watching her game. Her mother left after the first half. When it was over, she didn't even come up to us and say hi. We stood next to the field like dogs waiting for a bone and she was talking to her friends and messing with her stuff and eventually we left.
So, last night I told D. I really didn't feel like sitting at a boring ass soccer game if she didn't even appreciate us being there.
Wonder of all wonders, she came home after the game and....talked to us! For at least 15 minutes we had a conversation. It was amazing. And she even said "goodnight, I love you" instead of just disappearing into her room.
I think this ignoring her to get her to pay attention to us might just work.
I did knock on her door to make sure she was up for school yesterday morning and tell her I hoped she had a good day, for the first time since before Christmas break, so that might have something to do with it, too.

The only thing that will get me to go to the mall

Email to D.

It has come to my attention that Foley’s is having a 60-75% off sale on shoes.
Although you might find it hard to believe that I am in need of shoes, believe me I truly am. We must go shop.

What qualifies?

My little sis just emailed me the details of her, admittedly much worse than mine, day she had on Friday. Much worse than any bad day I've had in a number of years, actually. Another friend emailed that really my day wasn't so bad, just a series of minor annoyances.
So, I got to thinking (because I'd rather think about this than type up 1099 forms) about bad days. I've had some dooseys. It just seems like there are some days that are going to be bad days no matter how many times you say the serenity Prayer. The minor annoyances, stupid mistakes, foot inserted in mouth comments and other crappy things pile up and no matter what you do, you just can't seem to get it right. Those are the days we should be allowed to leave work, unplug the phone and pull the covers up over our heads until the sun rises on a hopefully much better day.
I had one such day in March of 2003, a bad day of such momentous proportions that the ramifications of it led directly to me seeking other employment and, amazingly finding this incredibly fantastic job, replacing the underpaid cubicle hell I was in with my own office, a nice salary and the respect I deserve.
Now, am I glad I had that horrible day considering it led to such favorable results? Hell no! Being called a bitch by a co-worker and being tormented by said co-worker for MONTHS afterwards, crying and depressed, ignored by the higher up's who expected me to suck up the office bullying, feeling anxiety every time I saw this woman and being unable to make amends for my part in the situation due to my utter refusal to confront her. Trying the "kill them with kindness" method only to be ignored, gossiped about and ridiculed. Nope, it wasn't worth it.
Oh, I forgot the best part, on that particular day, in March of 2003, I was fighting off a strep infection so bad that my Dr. said if he had a lab in his office and known how high my white blood cell count was (so high, in fact that it has still, 2 years later, not dropped back into normal range and I have to have my blood checked every 6 months at a cancer center!), I would have been in the hospital that day, getting iv antibiotics. Yeah, that day. The day that I could have been resting in the hospital, getting attention and flowers, but was instead, working and being told by a co-worker that everyone thought I was being a total bitch. Now that was a really bad day!
I feel better now.

I don't like Mondays

Bad bad bad start to the day!
Didn't want to get up this morning, now I know why. Let's see, first my blow dryer gave up the ghost (smoke, weird noise, then death), then I had to fight to get my little dog outside, a fight which included bribing her with treats and eventually poking the mop handle under the bed and forcing her out.Next I discovered D. didn't give the dogs any food (his job!) so I had to fill up their bowl and one of the big dogs got mud all over me. Run inside to find something else to wear. Pick out a sweater which I later discover gaps open in the front (hi boss, like my white bra?) Get out to the car only to discover I'm on empty. D. drove the car Saturday and didn't put any gas in it. I called to tell him about my bad morning and he argued with me about the gas instead of telling me how sorry he was, which totally pissed me off.
Got to work, late of course, to find out I had screwed up someone's check last week. That's it so far, but it's only 9 am.

Edited to add: This day just keeping getting shittier and shittier. A. shorted the already late van payment by $100. I don't have the $ to cover it and the van co. won't take a short pay since it's late. Plus, they sold out to the same co. that just bought our mortgage. That can't be good!

I don't mean to laugh but I can't help it

Someone got my blog by searching "my step daughter thinks I'm a bitch". Mine is the 2nd one that comes up on MSN search. My god that totally makes me laugh out loud. D. is shaking his head at me.

Someone else found me by googling "is not ok, well i'm not ok, I'm really not ok, you wear me out". I hope those are song lyrics but if it's someone's life, I'm so sorry.

Red letter day

D. is finally beginning to understand my outrage at the current administration and "our" president. He just watched Farhenheight 9/11 and the comments he was making to the tv cracked me up. He didn't vote in the last election, I bet he votes in the next one!

Today was a red letter day for another reason, I made soap for the first time since September! I'd been so busy making body butter, lip balms, bubble bath, etc that I didn't make any soap. Well today I made a fabulous batch of vanilla/rosewood/patchouli and it went like a dream. I still got it! And I discovered I still love making soap as much as I did the first time. It's just so damn cool, figuring out which oils I want to use, calculating the lye, mixing it up, deciding on color and scent and finally pouring and nailing the swirl! I feel like there should be some Olympic judges holding up 10's for me tonight.

We also went to see N. play soccer and they won. She's going to a sleepover at some friends whose blogs I read so I'll know tomorrow how much drinking, etc went on. I asked D. if we could ground N. based on what her friend's blogs say? haha, I just hope she's careful and there's no drinking and driving. D. is still convinced she doesn't do anything bad, ever. Dad's are great, aren't they?

Wow, it's not just Texas?

More from the "what the fucking fuck" file

Seriously, what in the hell is going on in our world that something this invasive, this asinine and this scary is actually considered?

George Bush's America folks, welcome to the hell you created.

God bless Texas

The history making debates in the House and Senate over the Ohio election fraud got 15 seconds of news coverage last night, something along the lines of "those Satan loving Democrats tried to hold up certification of the votes but God and the Republican Majority prevailed".
Then, the news showed a repeat, yes by God a repeat! on the news! of a story than ran last month about a survey showing "what women really want". Because, you know, that's such important news and everything, way more important than the INTEGRITY of our VOTING SYSTEM!
America's new motto should be "let us invade your country and set you up with a Democracy so you can learn how to conduct your own fraudulent elections and you don't even need guns to do it!" hmmmmm kinda long for a motto, I'll work on it.

Look who hit the big time

I got my first real order from my website last night. woot woot

I'll try to remember the little people.

Putting a lock on my heart

Last night after work, D. came up with the idea to spend some time with N. So he made her come home. Of course, 3.5 seconds after she got home, R. was at the door.
We ended up getting Chinese (thanks to a post on Neal's blog about Lo Mein) and rented movies. Saved is hysterical, Anchorman is stupidly funny and we stayed up way to damn late to watch the ending. Since we were already up late, we decided to give ourselves a better reason to lose sleep than just that stupid movie (wink, wink),
R. left about 9:40 and N. went immediately into her room, no good night, no thanks for the movies and dinner, nadda, zip, nothing. Great plan D., we got to spend 2x's as much for dinner and were forced to endure watching N. and R. "cuddle" on the couch under a blanket. (Yes, I remember what used to go on under a blanket on my parents couch). And for what? To have N. make fun of me? She made ridiculing comments about my soap making and then she asked if I wanted to lick my plate, nice, huh? I just as soon she didn't come home until curfew the way she treats me these days.
I am not even berating myself too much for feeling this way. I wanted so much to have a close, caring relationship with her. We've had glimpses of it, but nothing lasting. I've tried, God knows I've tried. It's just her age and the fact that I'm "stepmom". I realize it's nothing personal. It's like an endurance test, can I make it until May? I used to think we'd let her stay with us after she graduated, now I'm hoping like hell her and R. stay together and get an apartment or something. It's just too hard. D.'s about to start his Interferon treatments, we really don't need the extra stress. We rarely ever disagree over anything else. I'm tired of caring, of feeling hurt, of fighting with D. over her, I'm tired of having expectations. I give up.

Here's to good friends

Thanks for all the support, guys! I was hesitant to put that out there, thinking, as usual, that I'm the worst person in the world for not instantly loving every single thing D.'s kids do, since, I'm infertile and these are supposed to be my "replacement" children, sent from God. (I can't believe I ever seriously believed that to be true). When my little sister got married, one of her bridesmaids was a stepmom who was totally uninvested or involved in her stepchildren's lives. I admired her but thought, who could do that? Well, me for one. I've already distanced myself from D.jr's life, I quit worrying about his lying and bad grades, and guess what? I really like the kid and enjoy the time he's with us.

In other news, D. went to the endocrenologist today for a follow-up. Don't you just love it when the Dr.'s don't remember who you are and try to stumble for conversation, while looking at your chart for clues? "Oh, yeah, your the guy with the hidden pheo." He sent D. for some blood work and said he needs to be checked every 6 months or so to make sure a tumor doesn't grow on his other adrenal gland. He said their is a "rule of 10's" with pheo's, 10% are cancer, 10% are hereditary, 10% reoccur in the other gland. I hope D. stays within the norm this time. He sure gets a kick out of having had a unique tumor. He's an attention whore like that.
The Dr. did say as soon as the blood work is back and all is ok, D. should start the Interferon. I want to enjoy my healthy, energetic hubby for just a little while longer, but I've got to look at the long term. (Even though I still maintain the position that D. will die of heart failure long before his liver gives out, given his penchant for fatty foods and his utter resistance to the thought of exercise).

Do other places have the assinine tradition of firing a gun into the air at New Years? We've got a bullet hole in our roof here at work thanks to idiots who can't figure out that what goes up does indeed come down.

My own prison

When I started dating D. he was getting his life back together. He'd been sober this time around about 9 months and was sleeping in the locker room at work. Since he was single, it didn't matter. He had money to spare and was foot loose & fancy free. I changed all that.
We moved into his sisters empty house (she moved in with her mom when they found the cancer). I met his kids and it made me sad as hell that he rarely saw them due to stipulations in a divorce decree that he was too messed up to make sense of in 1997. It reminded me to much of my own dad leaving and I wasn't going to marry a man who would abandon his kids.
So, I found out about Texas Fathers for Equal Rights, an amazing organization that helped D. represent himself in court and win visitation of his children and eventually custody of N.
At first, N. was so nice and polite and respectful, but gradually that disappeared. D. let her get away with too many things and she has learned he doesn't really discipline her much. Part of this is the natural progression of 15-17 years old, but part is D.'s inconsistency.
The past few months have been hell and it's getting worse. Last night she got home at curfew and went straight to her room. We hadn't seen her in about 4 days because she'd been at her mom's and her sister's. D. got up after calling for her and not receiving an answer. He went in her room and got a weak greeting and was informed that she was getting in the shower. That was it. No communication, nothing.
I'm starting to feel like a landlord instead of a parent.
The school called on the last day of school before break and said she'd been absent again. I told D. this morning he'd better call them. He never does, he just lets her do whatever she wants, including not go to school.
We had gotten into an argument with her last week because she hadn't been working and was telling her dad that she never got any hours. Well, her job called her in and she told D. she wasn't going to go, that it was a waste of her time. When we told her she damn well better get her ass to work or she'd lose the priviledge of driving the truck, she started to cry. Crocodile Tears. Well, too damn bad, life is sooo hard, poor baby had to work 4 whole hours.
Anyway, so that's life right now, everything is nice and peaceful and fun, then the minute N. gets home, I tense up, waiting for whatever argument will come next. I hate this shit and it's all my doing. I should have just left well enough alone. I realize now that all the reasons N. gave for hating living with her mom are the same reasons she'd give now for hating living with us. I felt so sorry for her back then, so sure I could be a better mom than her own mother. ha! At this point, I think her moving in with us has done us all more harm than good.

2005

I remember, very distinctly, being about 6 or 7 and trying to figure out how old I would be in the year 2000. At the time, the year 2000 seemed like the most remote possibility, certainly not anything that would ever really happen.
And yet, here it is 2005! How the hell did that happen?

We had the very best of times last night and ST & R's house. They had a "bon fire" (aka an open fire in their big bbq pit). We had food, lots of food, actually. There were chicken enchiladas, black eyed peas, corn bread, smoked ham, smoked turkey, queso, deviled eggs, guacamole that I made that was the best damn guacamole of all time, brownies and pumpkin pie. Everyone was in a good mood, we just sat around chatting, telling jokes and having fun. And the best part is that we actually stayed until midnight. I was sure D. would want to go home around 10 but he was a trooper.

While we were there, someone missed the curve at the end of their street and ran into a tree. They went to jail, the car went to the impound lot. I'm so damn grateful I don't live that way anymore. It feels so good to wake up instead of "come to". And, I know everything I did and said last night, I owe no apologies, I flirted with no one's husband, I insulted no one and I didn't make a fool of myself. Sobriety is good!