Rudely Awakened

It's never good when the phone rings before 8 am on the weekend.

N.'s mom called D. at 7 am.
N. told us she was spending the night with her mom. For once, D. actually called his ex to verify the story. Well, N. went to her mom's but then told her she had to come here to get her stuff for work. She never came back to her moms and she didn't come here. N.'s mom called R. when N. didn't answer her phone. R. said that they had "fallen asleep" at her house and N. didn't mean to spend the night out. Yeah, whatever.
So, D. and N.'s mom are both really, really pissed at her. She's lucky she's working a double so her dad will mellow out before she gets home.

Special things about today

Mrs. Honey agreed to help me do my craft show Nov. 14th since D. will be incapacitated. And, hopefully we'll see our old boss and snub his sorry ass! I can't imagine more fun than hanging with my homegirl all day.

It was Healthy Choice Sweet & Sour Chicken I pulled out of the freezer this morning, my favorite lunch

It's Friday

D. called, he got a #1 crop hair cut, so I get to rub a freshly shaved head tonight (even if it's not mine)

I figured out what to be for Halloween...a chia pet! I'm gonna spray mine & D.'s hair green and we'll wear orange shirts

My boss just picked up a little bug and took it outside and called it "Mr. Bug" instead of stepping on it. HE ROCKS!!

Homecoming and Political Stuff

D. got to come home last night!! The Dr. wanted to keep him in the hospital until he got the biopsy results of the tissue samples from his stomach back, but D. talked him into letting him go home. He's pretty weak but he did go to work today.

I went and voted last night. I had to stand in line for about an hour, which really made me happy because, hell it means people are actually going to be voting in this election. When I got home, my mom called and I told her I voted and she got all huffy because she knows I voted Democrat. She some how managed to blame the Democratic Party for the fact that all the poor kids at her school have cell phones and that she's never gotten an Extreme Home Makeover (not that she's ever actually applied to be on that show, she just thinks only poor people get stuff like that, which, 1. isn't true and 2. isn't in any way the fault of the Democrats it's actually Oprah's fault). She thinks the Democratic Party has turned American into a welfare state. She said "I hope you like paying high taxes and giving all your money to people who won't get a job and have babies to get more money.". I reminded her that, A. is one of those people who benefits from my taxes and he deserves it and besides that, I already pay high taxes and we have a Republican President now, it's all matter of what they spend my money on, I'd rather it go to help people than to kill people! I have lots of reasons for voting the way I did, but for mom (who has 3 Democratic daughters) it all boils down to cell phones and the fact that no one helped her when my step-dad was dying. I don't like arguing politics with her because she's not normally a bitter person, inspite of the horrific things she's gone through, except when talking about political stuff. It made me really sad for her.
I'm not really sure I wrote that right, I love my mom, I think she's the greatest mom on earth and I'm sure she has other reasons for voting the way she does, but that's how all our conversations on political subjects turn out.

I woke up this morning with a swollen gland under my chin on the left, so, what's up with that? God knows I can't get sick at this point! D.'s surgery is scheduled for the 8th. I'm none to pleased about the hospital location but I'll get over it.

How Soon is Now?

My little sister just sent me a forward of an email from some British Insititute of Pop Colture which was calling for papers on The Smiths. Ok, they were pretty good, I guess, not one of my personal favorites but, "The music of The Smiths contained an emotional depth and a technical virtuosity that movedpeople in a way that almost no other band has managed before or since."????? You think Morrissey might have written that?

Awakened by a nightmare

D.'s still in the hopsital and N.'s at an Avril Levine concert. I just woke up because I dreamed someone walked in my room and was trying to choke me.
I'm having cheetos and a turkey and ranch dressing sandwhich now, waiting for N. to come home.

I feel broken

D.'s in the hospital again. It's pancreatitis. He's in a LOT of pain.
I'm so 1.tired 2. hopeless 3. loney
and
4. mad at N. who is at a concert and called to say her mother told her to spend the night over there because D.'s in the hospital. I said "N. I'm going home, you don't have to spend the night at your mom's." She asked if she could anyway and got mad when I said no I wanted her to come home. She hasn't spent the night here all weekend and she has school tomorrow and I don't particularly want to spend the night alone. Why all this desire to spend the night at her mom's anyway? She hated it over there until recently. I suspect she's either actually staying at R.'s or that her mom let's R. stay over there. Neither would surprise me much, but dammit, she's being a selfish little brat. She didn't even ask if her dad was ok.

I know it's not about me, neither is D.'s hospitalization, but I'm just so depressed, I cried all the way home from the hospital. I have no mental energy for the HUGE problems I have to deal with at work tomorrow either. Now is the time to lean on the everlasting arms. I hope they are still there.

Stir Crazy

Yesterday went from bad to worse. Worse in a bad way that involves the IRS and some social security numbers for some workers that aren't real numbers and a boss who tells me to "figure out a solution". arrrrrrrrrgggggggggggg
And a worker's comp. guy who is off work and wants to come back to work, 2 hours a day and us not report it. Yeah, right, whatever dude.
And, to cap it off, I had to get a new phone for my boss. Verizon was being a pita and I said, "no problem, I'll get it from the store next to my AA group like I did last time, they know me there". I get there and guess what? She no longer sells Verizon! arrrrrrrrrgg
Then, after the meeting and dinner with friends, I felt lots better. Got home and D. starts puking his guts out. Steak & baked potato should not make you puke.
Today he woke up feeling better but then started running a fever again around 2ish. So, we haven't done crap all day. I'm bored and restless. I actually CLEANED! I threw crap away, I straightened, I organized, I hurt my stupid neck.
Now is the time where I turn to my last resort for comfort....FOOD
So, I have an apple cobbler in the oven.
Our AA friends are going to a dance and I'm sitting here about to pick out while D. watches "Cold Case Files"............someone save me!

It's the little things that get to you

D.'s ok, the Dr. said just watch him overnight so I dosed him up with Nyquil and he woke up with no fever and went to work.
I've been having one of those kinds of mornings, dropping things, printer not working, employee accusing me of taking money out of his check for insurance he doesn't have and doing the accusing in such a heavily Bosnian accented broken english that I really have no clue what he's trying to say or if he even understands my response (which is yes, you cancelled your dental but then you signed up for optional life, that's where your $2.11 is going).
I'm tired and emotionally overwrought. After the Bosnian went back to work, I started crying at my desk. I need a break from everything. Of course, my first instinct is to suggest to D. we take a trip to Oklahoma, but then I remembered I'm supposed to be working the 12 steps on gambling. Damn the bad luck

100.6 and diarrhea

Well, they released him from the hospital. He was still feeling pain and the Dr. wanted to do a CAT scan because he shouldn't have had all this pain, but D. just wanted to come home.
Now he's running a fever 100.3, 100.5 and now 100.6, I'm forcing him to drink water and have a call in to his Dr. I'm sure they will want him back up there. This really sucks!

He's ok (for now)

He's ok! The Dr. said it wasn't anything to worry about, he found no stones or tumors or blockage. He made an incision to help the bile duct drain. They are keeping him overnight because he was in a lot of pain after the test, but he will be fine.

Next step, adrenal tumor removal, probably in about two weeks. I really feel like he's going to be ok, I can feel the powerful prayers and thoughts of loved one's and friends lifting us up. I wasn't scared or worried all day.

Tommorow

D. will be going in for an ERCP test tommorow. The Dr. said the bile duct into his pancreas was at 7mm last year which is normal for after gal bladder surgery and is now at 14 which is a serious condition.

He'll scope dh tommorow, fix it if he can and if not, he'll come up with a game plan for the surgeon to fix it (hopefully) when they do the tumor surgery.

So, I'm taking the day off tommorow, I need to go get a book to read in the waiting room.

Dr. Kia's decision

Just got this email from D.

I talked to "Dr. Kia" and he said that "Liver Dr." is going to want to do a E.R.C.P and when thats done then call the office to schedule surgeory.He also said he wanted to put me on meds to slow my heart down about a week prior to the surgeory. They will start out laproscopically and if theres too much scar tissue the they will open me up. I love you

Pictures

Here are some pictures from the rally

And the band played on

Yesterday was D.'s motorcycle club's big OctSOBERfest. It was really fun. I sold T-shirts. I wish my soap would sell 1/2 as fast!
N. and her girlfriend R. came with us. N. got her nose pierced. It looks pretty cute, but I have a dilemma, as usual. N. borrowed money from me and D. to float her until payday. Then, when she got her check, she said she didn't make much because she took so much time off when her grandpa was in the hospital. Well, between what she borrowed and her car insurance $, she owes me $80. She has made no effort to discuss paying us back. Yet, yesterday she spent money on getting her nose pierced, food and raffle tickets. I want D. to ask her about it but I think he's going to just let it slide. He is so afraid of upsetting her. Before we left yesterday, she asked him to please, please, please let her ride out on the bike with him. He, as usual, forced me to make the decision, I could tell her no or I could drive my car. I chose to say no. I felt selfish and irritated that he even put me in that position. It turned out good because she called R. and they drove out together, but still it was not a happy start for the day for me.
Anyway, I sold T-shirts and the T-shirt table was close to the band and I can still hear Stevie Ray Vaughn beats in my head. I didn't sleep a wink last night but I was sure jamming out between my ears.

'til Tuesday

I was in such a good mood today. I felt like I finally accepted everything, gave it to God, whatever. Just wanted to go to a meeting and out to eat and have fun, fun, fun.
Then, 1/2 way through the meeting, D.'s phone rang. He went outside to take the call. Came back in and I could tell it was something important by the look on his face. It was the liver Dr.'s nurse who'd called. They want him to come in on Tuesday. He said that he told her "I don't want to come in for nothing" (rather rude of him, really) and she said "the Dr. wouldn't ask you to come in if it wasn't important".
So, my dream of Dr. Kia calling Monday and saying, "you're fine, we decided you don't need surgery" has been shattered. Most likely, liver Dr. just wants to tell D. about the test he has to have to check out the blocked bile duct. Even still, my good, I trust God and everything's going to be fine mood has been shattered, yet again. And, why does everything have to involve waiting through a weekend?

COPS

Yesterday, around lunch time, two nicely dressed gentlemen came in and asked about one of our employees. Does he work here, what does he do for you, is he here now, etc. Turns out they were cops with a warrant. One of the workers had a warrant for domestic violence and he'd been hiding from the cops. I guess they don't come to your work unless they can't get you elsewhere. I had to page the guy to the office and watch him get arrested. They were very nice about it, they let him make a call on his cell phone and clock out before they took him. It wasn't much like they show on TV but I bet if he'd tried to run it would have been 'cause I'm pretty sure they had guns.

What's going on

We'll my little sister commented that N. hasn't been staring in the blog so much lately. It's amazing but she's been acting pretty normal since we decided not to go back to that therapist. She did some chores *gasp*, came home early one night to watch a movie and hang out with us and has generally just been being a good kid. For now, the crisis seems to have passed. Of course, she is begging her dad to let her go to Freaker's Ball(big concert) and it's on a school night. My idea is if she can bring her 70 in government up to a B by then, we let her go. That's fair, right?

I'm not nearly as freaked about D's health as I was. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how good it is that he's got a surgeon who is actually more interested in doing what's best than in paying for his house in Aspen or whatever it is they do with all their $$.

Let's see, what else? Oh, yeah, I signed up to do another craft show. I couldn't resist. It's at a Jewish synagogue, $50 fee and they provide lunch and it's from 10-3 on a Sunday. I have everything made already so why not, right? This weekend I have to finish the road kits because Sunday is D's motorcycle club's big "Octsoberfest". Should be fun.

That's all for now, folks. Don't forget about my website when you're doing your Christmas shopping. Everybody loves soap!

Of course not

We met with the surgeon today. I guess it would be ridiculous to expect we'd know anything more than before the meeting. I guess not having to wait for more tests and more answers was too much to ask. Dr. KIA (Know It All) is the surgeon. He said basically that he didn't believe the three MRI reports that ruled out an adrenal adenoma, he thinks thats what it is. That's the benign, common tumor. He told us that he isn't convinced D. has to have surgery, since it's not a pheo. and it's so unlikely that it is cancer. Even though the endocrenolgist told D. he needs surgery. Dr. Know It All thinks he knows better. He wants to consult with the endocrenologist and also talk to the gastro Dr. about D's possible blocked bile duct. If the gastro. Dr. is concerned about the blocked bile duct, D. will have another test to see what needs to be done there.
Dr. KIA is going to talk to the two other Drs. and also to D's primary care Dr. and get back with us.

So, we know nothing more than before we took off work and drove 30 minutes to see Dr. Kia.

And we're live.....

My website is finished!

I don't want to post a link here, but if you want a link, leave me a comment with your email addy and I'll send it to you.

Had enough yet?

Don't google "prominent extrahepatic common bile duct into the level of the head of the pancreas with questionable filling defects at several levels" or any combination of the other words found on D.'s MRI report unless you really like fear.

I don't understand why the Endocrenolgist didn't even mention this part of the report. It suggests that he may have early bilary duct obstruction and that ERCP or MRCP might be helpful. I sure do hope it's some sort of stones and not the other option I found.

Superman

I can't believe Christopher Reeve died from complications of a pressure sore. I've taken care of a quad. I've watched the training and care video (grossest thing I've ever seen!), how did they ever let it get so bad? When A. would get them, I'd massage the area around it and we'd figure out a different way for him to lay to keep the pressure off for a while. He had a beat up old air mattress that had a machine to keep air circulating through it at all times, to keep him "floating" so there'd be no bed pressure, surely Christopher Reeve had something better than that?
A. smoked in bed, no matter how many times I cried, begged and lectured him not to. He'd drop cigs in the bed, at night and not know he'd burnt himself, it was truly awful. But, never, ever, in all the time we were together, did I let a sore get so bad it would kill him. Maybe it was the love I felt for him that paid workers just don't feel?
When we first got together, he had yellow patches of dead skin all over his feet. He said it was unavoidable because of his condition. After a few weeks, I got out my pedicure kit and removed all that dead skin (ewww it was stinky) and trimmed his nails, too. He never got that build up again. Apparently, his care provider had been to scared of injuring him to really rub his feet when she washed. A wound on a quad. is a horrible thing, but so is a bunch of dried up dead skin!
I feel very sad for Christopher Reeve's wife. Sometimes the grief of loving a quad. seems like it will overwhelm you. I miss A. at times like these. He hated Christopher Reeve with a passion. He felt like all the research did was offer false hope and delay acceptance of the injury. We'd get into passionate debates all the time. A. didn't always make sense to me, but he always made life interesting. I hope he's doing well. I tried to email him about the van note today(he only paid half this month, was supposed to deposit more before the 10th)and it bounced back, email is no good. I hope I hear from him soon.

My knees hurt!

Well, I did my last craft show for the year today. It was the first year for this church to have a show. Not much traffic. I did ok, made back my booth fee, but I spent sooooo much money! My sis and I went in on a great gift for our mom that was really inexpensive and made by a wood craftsman, I got a baby outfit for my grandson (about to go to a double birthday for two of my grandkids), I got some stuff for my sister in law and some apple cake and beer bread mix and the coolest thing I got was from the silent auction. It's a catered 4 course dinner for two, delivered to your choice of location, I got it for $40!! I was going to have it delivered to the park D. and I went to on our first date but it's closed for repairs. I have to try to come up with another location. If you have any ideas, leave a comment, I reallly want this to be his best birthday ever. I got him a leather jacket from a girl on my soap making forum for only $50!
We had great "neighbors" at the show today, friendly people make even a bad show more fun. I started crying when I was telling the Tastfully Simple lady about D.'s tumor and she actually hugged me. The lady on the other side was selling baby clothes and she's a full custody step mom to 3 teenaged boys! Another lady came by her booth and we got to talking and it came out that she'd had 3 miscarriages, and thanks to all the blogs I've been reading, I knew exactly what to say and what not to say. All in all, it's been a pretty good day.
A lady there was trying to talk me into doing a show at the Synagouge in Fort Worth in November, I should, I sure have enough soap, but these things just wear me out!

Here's a picture of my booth, this was before I got all the signs put out

Poking at an old wound

My parents divorced when I was around 8. Eventually my father remarried, a MEAN cold-hearted woman who hated us children. She did things like call us "dirty urchins" and not allow us to sit on her furniture. We had to sit on the floor and sleep on the floor even though she had guest beds. Mom quickly put a stop to visitations, especially after evil stepbitch slapped my sister for using her hair brush.
Eventually, dad and evil step bitch had a child, using donor sperm and artificial insemination. (dad had a vasectomy after having the 4 of us). The new child was the apple of my father's eye. Just like him in every respect.
I didn't see my father much after that. I lost contact with him completly from age 21-30, then my older sister and I found him on the internet and emailed him. He acted as if the years had never passed and couldn't understand the reluctance of my other two siblings to contact him.
He died in 2002, at the funeral, during his eulogy, praises were sung to my "half-brother" and it was mentioned many times how proud my father was that his son was about to graduate college. Never was it mentioned that my little sister has a fucking PHD! In fact, we were barely mentioned at all, and many of the respected townspeople who praised my father, had no idea he had 4 other kids!
The reason I bring this up is that grrl's blog says this today "Well, similar research suggests that parents via gamete donation evidence better parenting skills and more positive parent-child relationships than do parents of genetically-related children." Which is really fantastically wonderful news for people who are doing donor eggs or sperm, but very sadly true in my own life. I started to sob as I read her post.
You just never know when shit from the past is going to slap you in the face. Even the stuff you thought you'd already dealt with can hurt.

I hate when I'm right

The therapy was HORRIBLE! The woman started off lecturing me about how it's ok for N. to be late and it got worse from there. She actually told me to chose between trying to help N.'s journey into adulthood and my husband's life.
She somehow was led to believe that
1. N. is punished severally when she breaks even the tiniest rule. Therapist was completely flabbergasted when I told her that was so opposite of the truth as to be laughable, and that N. hadn't been grounded for more than about a day no matter what she did, even when the dog got into N.'s pot stash and dragged it under our bed!

2. D. is in grave danger and his stress level is unbearable. I must coddle him and walk on tiptoes so he doesn't die. First of all, BULLSHIT and uh, second of all BULLSHIT. D. has the 12 steps, just like I do, if he can't bear the stress in his life, he can do something about it. She then told me she is in N.A. She said you have to pick your battles. Well, duh, lady you have no clue how many battles I DON'T fight.

3. I am unreasonably demanding about cleanliness, chores and curfew. Oh please. My house hasn't been up to my standards of clean for more than an hour in 2 years! D. and N. are both messy, I learned to live with it. My mom says "well, at least it looks like someone actually lives there now". My older sister used to call me "Monica" after the character on Friends because I'd do things like put her glass in the dishwasher while she's still drinking from it. Believe me, my standards are very relaxed now. Sometimes, even I leave things out and don't put them up that minute.

I could go on and on. Basically she said N. is 17 let her go. But, damnit all she lives in MY HOUSE! If she is late, in my 1350 sq ft. house, I will wake up. It's impossible not to. So, even if I give up trying to help her become a good adult, I still should expect her to respect me right?
Therapist says, you need to try to make your home as stress free for your husband as you can.

I told D. afterwards that he wouldn't love me if I did what the therapist suggested. I will not give up on N. and I'm not walking on eggshells around him either. He always does this to people. They love him, they want to help him, protect him, etc. Meanwhile, I'm the one struggling to make everyone happy, meet everyone's needs as he goes on through life, caring mostly only about himself. Damn, I wish I could be like that. I had D. totally cracking up by the time I was finished ranting about the therapist. He loves me just the way I am and I'm so glad for that. He's actually happier now.

As if I don't have enough stress

I've been called to the principal's office, aka the therapist. She called while I was on my way to work this morning, caught me totally off guard. She wants me to meet with her tonight.
Originally, she had said she didn't think she would need to meet with me individually. I don't like this. It feels like D. and N. have been talking about me and now I'm being called in to face the music. I'm completely paranoid and probably 100% wrong but I just don't need this today.
Last night I went to bed at 8 with a headache that just wouldn't go away, I wanted to spend time with D. tonight not go to a therapist. I wonder if I could get a note from my mom, excusing me?

I already knew that part

D. just called. The Dr. called and told him
1. the tumor has grown and will have to be removed
2. He won't be doing the surgery, D. will have to go back to his primary care Dr. for a surgical referal (I LOVE HMO'S! grrrrrrrr)

D. didn't ask him
1. How big is the tumor
2. Does it give the appearance of malignancy
3. What type of surgery will be required (they do three different kinds depending on the answers to questions 1 & 2)
4. How soon does he need to have surgery?

I made D. call the Dr. back, of course now he has to wait for the Dr. to call him back

D. is in shock, he really thought the Dr. was going to tell him he didn't need surgery. I had told him if the Dr. said that I'd buy him a steak at Hoffbrau tonight. I might do it anyway.

So cute!

Let's be friends


You have to check this site out, it's adorable. Be sure and check out the monkey with the cat in the last picture.

Haze of fear

The weekend was spent with half formed thoughts and unspoken fears. The waiting is so hard, I fill the minutes with "what if's" and terror and then try not to.
I shared my fears on Friday at the group, while D. was pulling the bike under the covered sidewalk to protect it from the rain. I couldn't keep them in any longer. Loving friends have called all weekend, but we don't answer the phone. It's so hard to talk when we really know nothing.
D. has lost his appetite, from worry? from something else? He says that he is not worried, but how could he not be?
I've never been so afraid of a phone call in my life.