Blamo

SH has a female friend who is very pretty, has the exact same political views as him and is just generally perfect. He once talked to her on the phone for 9 hours straight. They went out on one date, years ago, but nothing ever happened, not because he didn't want it to. She's married now and keeps in sporadic touch.
He just called to tell me that she went to have her tubes tied and found out she's pregnant again (3rd child). I quietly started to cry.
Men just don't get it, he wanted to share her funny story but I didn't find it funny at all. I can't stop crying now. And, I'm at work. Lovely!

It's getting better

This keeps happening, I get all freaked out, decide I can't handle things and then I talk to SH and it all clears up. I don't know if it's just that he's a really good talker or that once I get things out they don't seem so bad? Either way, today I feel good, optimistic even.
The biggest problem is that I still love D. I think I will always love him in a very special way. I don't think he's the healthiest life partner for me, but he "gets" me in a way that's hard to describe. Maybe because we share the same issues? Whatever the reason, when I'm with him, it's safe and comfortable, he really is my best friend.
But together we do stupid things. Last Friday he met me, my mom & my sister at a casino. I blew through my money and some of his, then mom, sis & I left, he stayed much longer and spent a great deal of money. This was not smart at all, the power's been out to his bedroom for months, no idea why, he needs to call an electrician. He needs a new vehicle, he needs to fix the fence and yet, the lure of the casino was too much for him and I'm the EXACT same way.
I think I need someone who balances out my flaws, who has different flaws than mine. Maybe I'm just making up excuses, I don't know. I've made my bed and I'm trying to lie in it. I don't want to run away, I want to see this thing out. I love those kids, I love SH and I love D, there has to be a way that all those things can work together in my life?

One Week

Well, I've been on the new drug for 1 week. The first two days I slept GREAT, so good I had trouble getting up the next day. The first morning I drove all the way to work in a fog and only horrible stomach cramps woke me up from my stupor. Since those first two nights sleep has been "ok". Last night I made the unwise decision to have hot chocolate at bedtime, forgetting chocolate has caffeine and caffeine keeps me awake.
In addition, I've had a horrible cold. Pretty much ruined my birthday and made it hard for me to enjoy my mom & sister's visit over the weekend.
So, I'm withholding judgement as to whether it's helping. I haven't cried quite as much and was able to keep very calm while SH threw a temper tantrum last night, so that's a plus.
I still don't have a clue what I'm doing, which direction I'm going, what decisions I should be making, what's best for me, for other people, I don't know jack shit at the moment. I just keep going, hoping eventually I'll figure it out.

Ok, I changed my mind

Right after I wrote that last post I called my dr's office.
Maybe there's something that will help and won't make me feel crazier

Refusing to get help

I've been pretty much miserable depressed for awhile now. I cry every single day. I've tried everything I know to help and it does help (mostly yoga & meetings) then I get sick and I get thrown off schedule and the depression is back. I fight tooth and nail against it. It's a running dialogue in my head all day every day. I fucking hate it.
On top of that, I can't sleep. I have hell falling asleep and can't stay asleep. I'm worn out.
I know, I should call my dr. and get meds but I'm SCARED of meds. After that horrible experience last year with Ambien, I'm scared of anything that might mess with my brain. Even though my brain is already messed up, it's mine, not some medication induced messed up.
I talk to D all the time, he's very sympathetic. I didn't want to tell SH how bad my depression was because I didn't want him getting scared and thinking I'm like his ex. But I am like her, in some ways. My hole just isn't as deep. So I told him last night, via text message from the next room. He took it well and of course, being a man, wants to "fix" me.
Tonight I'm going to get my kitties, I heard on NPR this morning that pets help a person produce a hormone which fights depression and strengthens the immune system. I need both, plus I miss my kitties and my old life, I'm hoping this will help.
I'd probably just run home to D and hide if I thought I could escape my own mind. I'm trying to break my cycle of running or making drastic changes in my life to change how I feel. It works for awhile but the fall out sucks.
It's not that I don't love SH, although sometimes I don't think that I do, most of the time I do love him. It's just that, no matter how sad I was because of D's health I always felt 100% comfortable around him. I don't always feel comfortable around SH. It's probably me. Every issue I have he tries to correct. He really seems to love me and want to be with me, in spite of my moods.
I never think I don't love those kids, though. I'd go through hell to keep them from pain and I am, just a little bit, right now. But I do hope somehow it will get better, without meds.

Why do I care?

I spent way too much time in the last week worrying about my sh's ex's feelings. I even went so far as to have her over for dinner last night in an attempt to help the kids deal better with this bad situation. She was sugary sweet, new best friend nice. I thought, wow, maybe we all CAN just get along. At midnight, she sent him a very sweet text about how nice it was that we had her over, etc.
HAHAHAHA
She has an account on an online music site, a couple months ago she started following sh's music on the same site, so she can see what songs he listens to. Kinda weird, even weirder she made a playlist with his name on it. She must not realize we can now access this. Last night after she left she added a song to her sh playlist. Tells me all I need to know about her true motives in being nice to me.

"You Were Mine"

I Can't Find A Reason To Let Go
Even Though You've Found A New Love
And She's What Your Dreams Are Made Of
I Can Find A Reason To Hang On
What Went Wrong Can Be Forgiven
Without You, It Ain't Worth Livin' Alone

[Chorus #1:]
Sometimes I Wake Up Crying At Night
And Sometimes I Scream Out Your Name
What Right Does She Have To Take Your heart Away
When For So Long, You Were Mine

I Took Out All The Pictures Of Our Wedding Day
It Was A Time Of Love And Laughter
Happy Ever After
But Even Those Old Pictures Have Begun To Fade
Please Tell Me She's Not Real
And That You're Really Coming Home To Stay

[Chorus #2:]
Sometimes I Wake Up Crying At Night
And Sometimes I Scream Out Your Name
What Right Does She Have To Take Your Heart Away
When For So Long, You Were Mine

I Can Give You Two Good Reasons
To Show You Love's Not Blind
He's Two And She's Four, And You Know They Adore You
So How Can I Tell Them You've Changed Your Mind

[Chorus #2]

I Remember When You Were Mine

The lyrics left out the part where she cheated on him for months with a guy he works with, moved out of the house leaving him to raise their two kids alone, said she was living alone and working on herself to try to save their marriage and was actually living with the other guy the whole time.
That's what gives me the right to take his heart away, you bitch.

Cookie

SH & I went to see his therapist last weekend and I feel like a miracle has happened. She told him some things to try and she told me "quit expecting him to feel guilty about everything you gave up to be with him, you made those choices because you love this little family" and she's right. I didn't realize I wanted him to feel guilt. I just wanted him to cut me some slack, but I'm guessing the motivation to cut me some slack was supposed to stem from his gratitude that I am making so many noble sacrifices. I'm a martyr for love. Anyway, he's really awesome about changing to improve our relationship and he has implemented her suggestions and I hope I am, too. I'm much slower to change, I'm a slug. But, we haven't fought at all since Saturday and that's wonderful. Meanwhile, E, his 3 year old, has started playing this "game". She says "I'm baby C (my niece) and you're the mommy. Then she proceeds to call me mommy as many times as humanly possible for the rest of the day. I got concerned about this because she does still have a mom, and her mom would be devastated if she knew E was calling me mommy. Obviously E feels a need for a mommy, a need I'm meeting and her own mom isn't. BM (the mom) rarely sees the kids and doesn't call regularly. So, I was torn about this latest development. I asked SH to call the therapist and she suggested we redirect E gently when she starts calling me mommy. Ha! Have you ever tried to "redirect" a stubborn 3 year old? If anything, that just made things worse. We decided not to make her feel bad about something that is bringing her a great deal of comfort. All the other kids have a mommy, not a "spit". But, after polling my internet forums and seeing the majority of the people, and my older sister who majored in child development, say to not let her call me mommy, I decided to try to come up with a new name for me. At first I thought of Mimi, cause that's what D's grandkids called me, but I don't want people to think I'm her grandmother. I am 40 years older than she is (gasp). Last night A, the 8 year old son, asked if he could call me by a special name. He noticed his sister calling me mommy and asked why not let her and I explained that it would really hurt his mom (the therapist is BM's therapist, too and said it would utterly destroy her). if she found out. He said "we don't have to tell her" but I suggested we try to come up with a new name. So, I came up with "cookie" 'cause I cook all the food. A LOVED it. He's so funny. No one ever cooked for them before me, and he used to ask his dad "why does she cook all the time?" Now if I'm going to not be home at dinner time, he panics and says "who will make our dinner?" Going to try to see if I can "redirect" E into using cookie instead of mommy. Wish me luck!

I keep forgetting

I tend to completely forget that I dated SH when I was 17. Hell, his name is in one of my first posts on this blog and yet, on a day to day basis, the now completely takes over and I forget we knew each other "back in the day". A LOT of water has gone under both our bridges in the ensuing 26 years. Right now we are in the middle of 3 record projects, one of which is really coming together well (the other two are still in the planning stages). We make a great team, I even came up with the idea for the album cover (it's a 3 lp set). It's pretty fun and he amazes me with his creativity. He certainly stayed way more in touch with the music "scene" than I did but both of us are completely out of touch with current stuff. It's just hard to keep up when you're raising kids and can't go listen to live music every weekend like we used to. We've been through a lot lately, a lot of arguments, rearranging ourselves to suit the other person's needs, more him than me. I'm stubborn and resistant to change. I'm still not 100% certain I'm not going to bolt if the going gets tough. So far, I've stuck it out, in spite of the arguing and in spite of catching a cold that turned into strep and a sinus infection from his daughter. I LOVE those two kids, more than I thought possible. I still don't understand how his ex could just walk away. The kids keep me in the relationship when other things wouldn't. That's not to say it's a bad relationship, it's not. He's fun, he loves me, he works with me on things that are hard work, it's just not an easy relationship. What I had with D was easy for me, he accepted me exactly how I am, he never asked me to change. SH won't do that, he wants to be with an emotionally healthy woman, he deserves that after all he's put up with. In order to be that person, I have to work on myself and it's painful. It's hard to look at my own motives and actions and think "damn, I'm pretty fucked up". I'm sure I'll come out on the other side a stronger person, it's the meantime that's a mean time. If I could go back, be 17 again, I would still sneak in SH's window for sex but I wasn't capable of being the type of girl he could commit to. Today, in spite of all my frailties and passionate mistakes, and in spite of his expectations that I will be an emotionally mature, level headed adult, he still loves me as I am. And that's worth waiting 26 years for.